Trigger Warning: This post is about my experiences with Domestic/Intimate Partner Violence and Sexual Assault
I began blogging, for real, in 2004. Back then, I’d gotten over the BlackPlanet/MySpace hump and decided to commit my thoughts to “paper”. I’d become connected with several people online who were also writers– well, “bloggers”. It was still a fairly new idea to most people, at least being called “blogging” and using established blog hosting sites, but we were doing it. We were all connected and sharing our stories. sharing laughs, and even meeting up. I met some pretty cool people with whom I’m still connected.
10 years ago, I decided to write about my experiences with intimate partner violence and sexual assault. I’m not sure why I felt the need to be so open, but I had to get it out, I guess. I wasn’t a great writer then, but I had things to say so I said them. I’m not a great writer now, but I continue to share my stories and thoughts.
Recently, there’s been a lot of discussion about sexual assault, harassment, and intimate partner violence in the media. Despite the leaps we’ve made in the past decade regarding our understanding of this violence, particularly against women, people still hold onto some of the most asinine, archaic, violent ideas about how victims are responsible for what they endure.
Shyema Washington left her boyfriend and father of her child because he had a history of being abusive. He shoots their son in front of her and shoots her. Her son dies, she is in critical condition, and he later shot himself in the head and is on life support.
Michael Kennedy set his ex-girlfriend on fire after she broke up with him.
Mariana Padilla was shot and killed when her boyfriend, who she was trying to leave, killed her and several family members.
Jayden Parkinson was killed after her boyfriend found out she was pregnant with their baby.
Virginia Vasquez was killed after telling her boyfriend she wanted to break up with him.
Tamisha Evette Ridge was killed by her ex-boyfriend who had a history of domestic violence against women
Gabriel Navarro killed his girlfriend to keep her from leaving for college
I could go on and on…
I shared my experiences then. I’m sharing them now. Read with caution, but understand why I’m as vocal as I am about violence against women.
I went by “DanjaruzNegress” or “Danja” for short.
This blog is about my relationship with a man with whom I became involved when I was 16 and he was 24. I got involved with him again when I was 19 and things got really ugly. The post explores how I made excuses for him because I empathized with his experiences of hurt, abandonment, and abuse. It is me being vulnerable and explaining “why I didn’t just leave”. (Excerpt below)
“When I would say I had to go home, he would always go into a long speech about how everyone always wanted to leave him. He couldnt understand why I wouldnt move in with him. I lated realize, he just wanted easier access to my money. He was already getting half of everything I made, but then he upped it to taking my entire check, and giving me an allowance. We continued our relationship to when I got to college. My new friends had no idea that the man I introduced them too at a party would later take off his belt and beat me senseless with it because he said he didnt want me associating with white people. The next day he left to go home, and I called him on the cell phone I bought him, telling him I couldnt be with him anymore. he got off the train, came back to Philadelphia, claiming he wanted to talk, and for the first time ever, he punched me dead in my mouth. He told me to think about what I was saying, while my mouth healed.”
This blog is about a chat I had with a man who had physically assaulted me and tried to work his way back into my life. He was a smooth man, claiming to be a “Dom” in the D/s lifestyle. He taught me the difference between kink and abuse, and that lesson has never left me. (Excerpt below)
**** (12:16:48 AM): michelle i miss u and im gonna leave it at that
danjaruznegress (12:16:52 AM): ok
**** (12:17:21 AM): cold azz bitch
**** (12:18:38 AM): (emoticon)
danjaruznegress (12:19:33 AM): yeah ok
danjaruznegress (12:19:35 AM): u done?
**** (12:19:50 AM): nope i doubt ill ever be done
**** (12:19:53 AM): wit u
danjaruznegress (12:20:00 AM): should have thought of that when u slapped me
**** (12:20:52 AM): didnt i apologize for that
danjaruznegress (12:21:04 AM): yeah and my first love apologized too
danjaruznegress (12:21:06 AM): a lot of times
danjaruznegress (12:21:13 AM): after he pinched off my skin
danjaruznegress (12:21:18 AM): after he busted my lip
danjaruznegress (12:21:25 AM): after he mushed my face into a rug
danjaruznegress (12:21:41 AM): after he made me have sex with him when i didnt want to
danjaruznegress (12:21:57 AM): u apologize but then call me a bitch
danjaruznegress (12:21:58 AM): yea
danjaruznegress (12:21:59 AM): ok
danjaruznegress (12:22:07 AM): you have a good evening ******
**** (12:22:50 AM): u still my baby
danjaruznegress (12:23:01 AM): no im not
**** (12:23:02 AM): i dont give a fuck ..u still my baby
danjaruznegress (12:23:39 AM): whatever
**** (12:24:12 AM): yes u are deny it all u want we have a connection regardless
danjaruznegress (12:25:48 AM): goodbye ******
**** (12:27:47 AM): never goodbye always ill see u later
danjaruznegress (12:29:11 AM): no u wont
**** (12:29:22 AM): its like that michelle
danjaruznegress (12:29:35 AM): u made it that way
**** (12:29:35 AM): u sure u wanna do it like that?
danjaruznegress (12:29:52 AM): yup
This blog is a recount of experiences I had with sexual assault up to that point. I didn’t reveal, immediately, that they were my stories. I wasn’t that brave, yet. (excerpt below)
he began to think about the nice guy she met recently. how he made her smile. she began to think about the funny movie she watched earlier. he pushed her down to the ground, with a fistful of her hair. she yelled “no!” several times, he told her to be quiet. he unbuckled his pants, and when she opened her mouth to yell stop, he pushed himself inside of her, choking her. she pushed against him, fists pounding on him. this didnt seem to affect him, in fact, he seemed to get more excited by this. he moved himself in and out of her mouth. he let her go and she moved back to the bed, quickly, wanting to throw up. he came to the bed and turned her over onto her stomach. once again, her body betrayed her. she didnt want this. she thought to herself “why do they do this to me?” she grabbed the pillow, preparing for what was about to happen. she didnt want it to hurt, so she didnt fight him. she heard him unwrap a condom. she wanted to cry, but there were no more tears. she grabbed her pillow, closed her eyes, and begged God for forgiveness for whatever sin she committed that made Him continue to punish her like that. When he was done, she told him that he should leave. he asked if she was ok, she didnt answer. she walked to the door, opened it for him. he asked again if she was ok, as if he cared. she locked the door behind him. she thought “i never want to be touched again”