My Name is Not….

June  is Guest Blogger Month here at FeministaJones.Com . I solicited a few bloggers, writers, poets, etc to contribute posts lending their perspectives and experiences on feminism, race, mental health, sexuality, relationships, liberation, sex, and everything this blog is about. I hope you enjoy their contributions as much as I have. If you’re interested in being featured, please submit your pitches to feministajones@gmail.com

 

baby

Since I’ve moved to Harlem my encounters with men in the street have frustrated me.

 

I’ve been called “mamita”, “princess” and my personal fave “big girl”. Ummm..whatever happened to “Hello Miss” I hear the former more than I hear the latter.
I mean has simple decency died along with chivalry?
Look..I know I’m attractive and I knew that when I moved to Harlem this sort of attention would get more intense. But the word “boundaries” seems to be a foreign one to many folks.
One thing about Harlem men is that when they like what they see..they will tell you!!
But sometimes the manner in which they tell you that is intrusive and embarrassing. I mean damn if you’re having a moment to think to yourself..it’s really all about them, isn’t it?
FYI: I don’t need my existence validated by strange men.
Oh..and I hate the term “big girl”. I’m not ashamed of my plus size but the connotations of being labeled as “big” as a women seems to insinuate that you’re less feminine than a woman who is small. Me having a larger frame does not mean that I have a thicker skin.
Ironically enough..these encounters happen when I’m either going to or coming from my gym.
Case in point last week As I was on my way to my Spinning class I had passed by a rather portly gentleman who as I passed said “Hey big girl”
I stopped and asked “Why would you call me that… why not just say hello?”
Him: “I’m sorry..did I offend you?”
Me:  ”Well yeah..because I don’t even know you like that.”
Him:  ”But I’m a big guy. I don’t get offended”, he said as he patted his large belly.
Me:  ”Well yeah because you’re a guy. How would you like someone to talk to your sister like that?”
Just then I swear I saw a light go off in his head. I swear!
Him: “Damn..you’re right. My sister said to me never call a woman “big girl”"
Me: “Well maybe you should take her advice.”
Him: “You’re right..I’m sorry.”
Me: “My name is Myrna.”
Him: “I’m Keith.”
Me: “It’s nice meeting you Keith.”
I shook his hand and left.

Now..I’m not expecting to see Keith at any anti street harassment meetings… but that small exchange was a big triumph for me. I do hope that Keith will be able to pass on that lesson to a young man that calls a young lady out her name. For a brief moment a man that objectified me was able to see me as a human being that looked him in the eye, held her ground and was able to say…

My name is not “big girl”…it’s Myrna.

*reprinted with permission from “Meeting In The Ladies Room“*

 Ms. Orvam can be best described as a “drive by blogger” a born and raised Bronx native, she is now a proud Harlemite.  Mom to one, she’s a corporate worker bee for “It’s not TV it’s….” So while she toils away in corporate better believe that she has her eye on the prize. Follow her on Twitter @Msorvam

#PrinceDay 55 Years Of Amazement and Wonder (GIFs)

 

 

 

 

I love Prince

You know this

Just taking a moment to show my eternal love on the 55th anniversary of the time the gods saw fit to finally allow him to join us on this Earth.

Happy Birthday. Purple Love.

Always.

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cherrymoonprince

 

Extra Loveable One of the hardest things a fan has to do is reconcile that a beloved artist isn’t always “right”. There have been numerous occasions where Prince has made references to raping women and that troubles me more and more as I get older and dig deeper into his earlier work. Here’s an example of a song that was fine until the end… when he got all rapey

Kamastura My absolute favorite instrumental. 11 minutes long. Worth every second.

 

 

Honey

June  is Guest Blogger Month here at FeministaJones.Com . I solicited a few bloggers, writers, poets, etc to contribute posts lending their perspectives and experiences on feminism, race, mental health, sexuality, relationships, liberation, sex, and everything this blog is about. I hope you enjoy their contributions as much as I have. If you’re interested in being featured, please submit your pitches to feministajones@gmail.com

 

“Honey, I need to tell you something. I met a woman. I slept with her and I want to keep seeing her.”

 

A wave of cold passed through me. For a second, my brain tried to untangle the words and make sense of what I was hearing. I had just returned from two months away from my family. I had lost my job four days ago. Maybe I was in shock.

 

“What?”

“You know I told you that I was bisexual when we started dating. And you agreed that it was OK for me to have sex with other women.”

 

She did tell me this. I did agree to this, but I had to know about it first, not after the fact. Again, another wave of cold passes through me like someone pouring ice water over my heart. Thus began, a new chapter in my life.

 bisexual

When I first met my now wife, I noticed things… My wife would look at women just a little too long to simply be checking out her clothes. I caught a glimpse of her looking at the LGBT section at the bookstore. Then she came right out and told me that she was bisexual and she liked having sex with women. No emotional attachment…just sex. I appreciated her candor. We agreed that this wouldn’t be an issue so long as I saw the person and I said OK to it happening. I gave my OK the first time it happened. I was OK with it. I didn’t think about it after it happened.

 

Now I’m sitting here trying to absorb and process what I was hearing. Do I feel betrayed? Yes. I didn’t meet this person and I didn’t give my approval. I begin to find out my details and uncover some lies about how the events came to pass. The room is going dim and I feel this hot coil of anger unfolding in the pit of my stomach. Just breathe, man. Just. Breathe. Breathe. Keep calm. Try to process the meaning, not just the words.

 

“Why have you done this to me?”

 

“I did this for us. I need this to make me happy and complete, and if I’m happy it will improve our marriage and our sex life.”

 

Over the past three years our sex life had diminished both in its frequency and intensity. She would always chalk it up to the demands of family life, work and the curve balls life tends to throw at us. I would take it personally. I may have more gray in my beard but I feel like an 18 year old. Sex for me is a way to unwind, a physical expression of love and just plain fun. Now I’m hearing that she has been denying herself. One encounter with a woman five years ago and then a dry spell for her. Not that I’ve been denying her. She just hadn’t pursued anything.

 

It’s now a week since she revealed her new, but not unknown, desire to me. I still haven’t met the woman. I still am trying to piece together the new rules for my world in my head. I’m still hurting inside from the lies that surrounded her revealing the truth to me. All said, I’m working towards acceptance.

I still love my wife and that means truly embracing who she is and what she wants. I can no more demand that she give up who she truly is than she can make that demand from me. She tells me that this is strictly a “friends with benefits” relationship. While she may desire women physically, she doesn’t bond with them at the romantic level. I have to accept that as the truth unless it proves otherwise.

 

It’s not easy being in this situation, promises of future potential threesomes aside, because this new chapter in my life really requires a new level of trust and maturity on the part of both of us. We’ve agreed that before she meets with her new “friend” again then we need to establish “the rules” and I need to meet this person. Am I afraid? Yes, but I love my wife and that means that I need to allow her to be herself.

 

The author opted to remain anonymous, but can be followed on Twitter at @NYCGrits.

Two Sides to A Mother’s Coin

June  is Guest Blogger Month here at FeministaJones.Com . I solicited a few bloggers, writers, poets, etc to contribute posts lending their perspectives and experiences on feminism, race, mental health, sexuality, relationships, liberation, sex, and everything this blog is about. I hope you enjoy their contributions as much as I have. If you’re interested in being featured, please submit your pitches to feministajones@gmail.com

 

Image: Tatiana Vdb via Flickr

Image: Tatiana Vdb via Flickr

I write my truth and that I’m not sorry for, I simply want you to know where I’m coming from and if you vibe with me, that  you’re not alone. It’s safe here. No judgment. No criticism.

I’ve been there and I’m still here…

On the publicity wave of the Super Bowl Half-Time show craze, Beyoncé spoke openly on her miscarriage.

There are no rights pertaining to nature. There are no debates, corporate policies or funding dollars involved when a woman miscarries. Usually there’s silence; usually a cry she weeps in her soul. Of what was and that is no more.

My condolences to her and to all who’ve been there. My cheers to trying again, be it nervous fearing a barren womb. Undaunted. Some are childless by default. Others by choice. One is no less valid than the other. Both deserving of respect.

And choice.

A woman wrote me on her views of birth control and the heated debate. I replied with my personal stance that I don’t usually blog with, again, this was one-on -one.

So as we get deeper into our dialogue, I ask if she’s a mother. After two paragraphs of her dancing around the bushes, she says No.

She aborted every pregnancy.

I blinked twice.

Reading our conversation again. Paused. When I wrote the piece, I didn’t blatantly mention abortion, instead opting to use ‘choices’… She wanted her story told from another’s mouth. She wants her pain healed from another’s wounds. That’s not how it works. I write and I wrote about choices because I feel we deserve to be able to make them for ourselves and to be accountable for those decisions. They are painful. They are difficult. They are ours to own.

There are two sides to this coin.

This mothering piece.

Some women had the opportunity to mother and for reasons of their own, decided to abort. I stand firm on these women maintaining this right. With women who’ve lost life from their core, we mustn’t be insensitive. We can’t judge a woman’s choice by life’s circumstance. Choosing to bring forth life, or losing that life, are both difficult to deal with the days after.

We, as women, must support each other in such a way that our tears aren’t so hidden. That our cries aren’t muffled by regret, fault, and disgrace.

There will be more discussion of miscarriage now that it’s on the lips of a global star. My hope is that there is more support. No one glorifies abortion, but I hope there’s at least an understanding coupled with support for that result as well.

To my readers, to my best friends, to my reflection, I offer a hug. An understanding. A tear and a prayer. Life and its wondrous turns is a journey.

You.

Me.

We’re not alone.

Not if I have anything to say!

 

*Originally posted here, reprinted with permission*

A. Comeaux is the writer, speaker and actor who poetically paints pictures of life and love with an empowering perspective. In Minnesota by way of Chicago, she’s one sixth of the blogging troupe Six Brown Chicks as seen on OWN. Her new post launches on Wednesdays at SixBrownChicks.com and acomeaux.com for her TV/Film, Blogs, and personal tidings. 
Twitter: @kcospoke

They Believe

She sees
Behind the curtain, sincerity
Good intentions diverted and fulfilled
Sincerely
Hope rests, having taken its residence behind the red shade
A world of change on the horizon
Awaiting its anointed leader
To fulfill His fated destiny
To be more and do more than He understands
He knows, He believes, He succeeds
He endures, He questions, He fears
She hears
Sincerity
Faith exists, sustained in the depths of purple hearts
The horizon of the world is going to change
Waiting patiently
The people need their leaders
To embody their purposes
And do more, be more than they know
She feels, she connects, she dreams
She’s suffered, she’s doubted, she’s shed tears
He sees
Behind the lines, Love
He welcomes, she provides
She invites, He guides
They dance together in the fields of battle
Shielding each other from the onslaught of humanity
They believe
…in truth
…in the possibilities
…in each other.
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