Complete Man’s Guide To Surviving The Superbowl

It’s that dreaded time of year again… Superbowl Sunday!!

superbowl

Image: Alex Murphy via Flickr

Yeah, yeah, I know fellas… you absolutely cannot stand football and have no idea why women seemingly lose their minds when the so-called biggest Sunday of the year rolls around. Sometimes, you just have to grin and bear it, and accept that this is women’s day and you CAN survive it. She grunts more, drinks more, yells more…and spends more time talking smack with her friends than she does showing you the love and affection you prefer on a Sunday. Hey, it’s only one day! Cut her some slack because you CAN survive Superbowl Sunday and I am here to help!

Here are some tips on how you can survive Superbowl Sunday without losing your mind (or your relationship)

Google Is Your Friend

The NFL (National Football League) has 32 teams. Wow! I know, right? That’s a lot to keep up with during the season, but somehow, your lady doesn’t skip a beat. She ordered the season pass on cable and picture-in-picture gets more play than you do. I get it…you’re frustrated as hell, but you can’t fight this battle. You. Will. Lose.

You might want to head on over to Google and read up a bit on the names of the teams and their mascots, as well as the divisions (AFC East vs NFC West, for example). You should, at the very least, know the names of the teams playing, their cities/states, the mascots, and the names of their quarterbacks. Do a search for their uniform colors so you don’t look ridiculous shouting out a cheer for Peyton Manning when the Seahawks score, mmkay?

Snacks Are Everything

She is going to be too distracted watching Sportscenter and checking in with her bookie (Yes– she has a bookie!), so she can’t really be bothered with the kitchen today. That’s totally fine. Don’t make a big fuss. You can whip up some creative snacks found at sites like All Recipes, which categorize dishes by major events! Click here for help!

cupcakes

Image: pinguino k via Flickr

If you don’t have time to cook up some tasty treats for your lady and her friends, you can run to your local market and pick up some of the standards:

Chips and Salsa
Hot Dogs
Wings (Buffalo, Lemon Pepper, BBQ)
Dipping Sauces (Ranch, Bleu Cheese)
Subs (also called hoagies or heroes)
Beer
More beer
Beer…again

Dress The Part

By now, you should know who your lady’s favorite team is and if that team isn’t at the Big Game, you should know who she is rooting for. Be a lamb, and try to at least wear clothing in those colors. Try not to wear anything that might be enticing to her friends; you don’t want to become a distraction or a source of tension between her and her girlfriends. Be sure to wear comfortable shoes because you will be going back and forth to the kitchen. Your job is to be subtle in your support and encouraging in your demeanor. Nothing worse than a flashy boyfriend/husband trying to be noticed. The game is on!!

seahawks

Image: Raffi Asdourian via Flickr

Don’t Be Stupid

Please please PLEASE do NOT embarrass your woman by yelling the wrong things during the game. Learn what a field goal is and how many points are in a touch down. If you want to be extra fancy, educate yourself about what a “blitz” is and what the value of a “safety” is. If you can show off your knowledge by breaking down the difference between a running back and a wide receiver, you’ll be sure to make your lady the queen of the party!! Now’s your time to make your woman look good, so don’t mess this up!!

Prepare To Make The Sex

This game could go either way. If her team wins, she will be THRILLED. IF her team loses, she might be so down in the dumps, she starts to kick things. Your job is to ease the transition from post-game highs/lows to a restful sleep. You need to put out. There is no way around this. You need to put your meat on the table either in celebration or consolation. Please shower during half-time and slide into something clean and sexy for the evening. Help usher people along and make sure the bed is warm and ready. When the coast is clear, grab your woman up, toss her lightly onto the bed, and MAKE. THE. SEX. She deserves it on this, her very special Superbowl Sunday!!

There you have it, fellas. Your complete guide to surviving the Superbowl!!

Go Broncos!! Or Seahawks!! Whatever!!!

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2 Responses to “Complete Man’s Guide To Surviving The Superbowl”

  1. shantafabulous says:

    Someone is bound to get salty because of this so I’m going to leave this here. vine.co/v/h13Ar7W7BXp

  2. f. says:

    But how will single men survive Valentine’s Day? The world needs to know!

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