Experiences

Triggers: Rape, Abuse, Violence

The following contains graphic descriptions of sexual violence. It is not for the faint of heart. Proceed with emotional caution.

I compiled these stories about 7 years ago. I’m reposting them here.

1) she went to his house. so excited to see him. they laid down and watched one of their favorite movies. he began to kiss her, she kissed him back. he moved on top of her, more kissing. she told him that they should stop, before they went too far. he said he wanted to go too far. she said she wasnt ready. he stopped, got out of the bed and went to the kitchen. he came back, told her either she did this with him or she had to leave. it was the middle of the night. she wasnt supposed to be there. she tried to prepare mentally for this, having never done it before. she loved him, wanted to give him the gift. he laid back on the bed with her, and began to make the move. she didnt realize it would hurt so much. she asked him to stop. he said no. she screamed for him to stop as the pain was excrutiating. he grabbed her throat, screamed at her to shut up, and entered her with brutal force. she almost fainted. he continued to move within her, she felt like she was being ripped apart. after about 30 minutes of this, he stopped, cursing. turning on the light, he looked at the bed, his eyes widening in surprise. seeing the look on his face, she looked down. the mattress was soaked with blood, blood that flowed steadily from inside of her. her legs, thighs, and stomach were covered in blood. she fainted. when she came to, she saw him pacing back and forth, talking to himself in a frenzy. she rolled over, wincing at the pain shooting through her abdomen. she crawled to the bathroom, wanting to clean herself up, stop the bleeding. the bleeding didnt stop for almost 2 weeks. he said he loved her though.

2) she went to this party. folks were drinking, she had a few. someone passed the blunt, she puffed a few times, then looked around for her drink. found it on a nearby table and drained it to combat the cotton mouth. the next thing she remembers is waking up with her arms being held over her head. she heard laughing, blurred laughter penetrating her ears through the drowsy cloud. she felt chills and realized most of her clothing was no longer on her body. looking to her right, she saw one guy pulling up his pants. looking straight, thre was another guy in between her legs, moving back and forth. being numb, she felt nothing, but what she saw brought her back to reality. she tried to scream, but her throat was so dry, no sound came out. she willed her arms and legs to move, but they didnt. tears began to stream from the sides of her eyes. they were violating her. and laughing. she wished for death.

3) he called and said he was coming over, and hung up before she could protest. she didnt want to see him, but she was afraid of him. when he got to her house, she almost didnt let him in, but she did anyway, thinking she could diffuse his temper and talk to him rationally. she was finally going to tell him to leave her alone. he said he just wanted to talk. she laid in bed, pretending to go to sleep. he talked to her, seeking responses to his questions. he began to touch her, she told him to stop. he seemed bothered by the fact that she didnt want him to touch her. “arent we just supposed to be talking?” she asks. he wants to know why she doesnt want him to touch her. her answer isnt good enough for him. he gets on top of her, putting his fingers inside of her. she tries to clamp her legs closed, but he is stronger. her body begins to react to his gestures, betraying her. she doesnt WANT this. he thinks she does, and is playing a “role”. he takes the moisture developing as a sign that she wants him. she damns her body for betraying her. she pushes against him, he takes this as furhter encouragement. he slides into her, raw, and begins to forcefully penetrate her. after a while, he turns her over, entering her from behind. she has no more fight in her. she grabs her pillow and tries not to make any noise and the tears flow. she starts to think about going to the movies with her daddy, and the jokes he used to tell. she starts to think about her daddy swinging her around in the park. she remembers her daddy singing to her in his car. he slaps her behind, asking if she likes it. she doesnt say anything. he talks about how great her pussy is, how its his, and how he has missed it. when it is over, he tells her to get dressed because he is taking her to get a milkshake. she doesnt want to go and tells him so. he tells her to put her clothes on. she sits on the bed, repeats again that she doesnt want to go. he comes over, slaps her hard against the left side of her head. her ear begins to ring, her cheek begins to burn. she looks at him, as he tells her again to get dressed. she gets dressed. they get the milkshake. he drops her off, asking “when will i get to see you again?”

4) he said he missed her, hadnt seen her in a while, wanted to come over. they had a conversation about how she didnt want to have sex with him. she wanted him to be her friend, nothing more. she wanted the purity of the friendship. she told him that she didnt want any sexual advances from him, that they made her uncomfortable. he said that he couldnt deny his attraction to her physically. he said she was a beautiful woman inside and out. she appreciated it but asked that things remain platonic. he agreed to respect his wishes. they watch tv. he asks her to turn it off, so she does, and begins to play music. she lights up a cigar. they are talking, sitting close. he begins to touch her again, as he had been doing throughout the night. she asked him to stop several times. he kept testing boundaries. every “Stop” she uttered went in one ear and out of the other. maybe she provoked him. she was in shorts and a t shirt, maybe that set him off. she said she was trying to behave, thinking maybe this would be respected. he continued to touch her. she realized that speaking to him wouldnt help, so she got up, thinking to make the atmosphere lighter. she began to dance with him, laughing. he pushed her against the dresser, pulled her hands behind her back, fondling her. she couldnt get her hands free. she thought to herself “not again” and felt herself go limp. she began to think about the nice guy she met recently. how he made her smile. she began to think about the funny movie she watched earlier. he pushed her down to the ground, with a fistful of her hair. she yelled “no!” several times, he told her to be quiet. he unbuckled his pants, and when she opened her mouth to yell stop, he pushed himself inside of her, choking her. she pushed against him, fists pounding on him. this didnt seem to affect him, in fact, he seemed to get more excited by this. he moved himself in and out of her mouth. he let her go and she moved back to the bed, quickly, wanting to throw up. he came to the bed and turned her over onto her stomach. once again, her body betrayed her. she didnt want this. she thought to herself “why do they do this to me?” she grabbed the pillow, preparing for what was about to happen. she didnt want it to hurt, so she didnt fight him. she heard him unwrap a condom. she wanted to cry, but there were no more tears. she grabbed her pillow, closed her eyes, and begged God for forgiveness for whatever sin she committed that made Him continue to punish her like that. When he was done, she told him that he should leave. he asked if she was ok, she didnt answer. she walked to the door, opened it for him. he asked again if she was ok, as if he cared. she locked the door behind him. she thought “i never want to be touched again”

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4 Responses to “Experiences”

  1. Andrea Morgan says:

    it’s just…it happens. Over & over it happens and there is the feeling that you (the woman) could have/should have/if only…
    But i wonder if men get the feeling that THEY could have/shouldn’t have/no really

    This is a solidarity I don’t want with/for anyone else. Prayers for peace & strength to my sisters.

  2. [...] took me a long time to come forward about my own experiences with rape and assault. When I did, I felt freer. I felt like I was no longer bound by the secrets I [...]

  3. TellyLongLegs says:

    OMG! How did you deal with this? Why aren’t you a speaker or something? Women, girls, boys and men need to hear it and know that they can get through this…wow.

  4. TellyLongLegs says:

    Omg…you need to be a speaker. From your tweets and blogs…man…I’m sorry you had to go through that.

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