Gentlemen’s Corner: Mr. Nice Guy

Gentlemen’s Corner is a series of blog posts by men. I want to give men the opportunity to speak about themselves in relation to how they see us, think about us, feel about us… their wishes, dreams, and hopes for us… and their wants, needs, and desires from us. This is an effort to bridge the gaps that seem to perpetually plague our interactions. If you’re a man interested in contributing to this site with a relevant post, please send an email pitch to feministajones@gmail.com

 

 

On my way to work last week, I was bumping “Mr. Nice Guy”, the title track off of singer, Eric Roberson‘s latest album. The song talks about a nice guy getting taken advantage of by a woman and how difficult it is for some decent brothers to find someone who won’t take their kindness for a weakness. A lot of men deal with the frustration of being “Mr. Nice Guy” at some time or another. I definitely have, but I think men take this sentiment way too far and it leads them to an incredibly misguided view of relationships and resentment towards women.

Finding a good mate is usually a difficult, disappointing and incredibly annoying endeavor for almost everyone. The problem a lot of “nice guys” have is holding on to their values and being nice for the right reasons. I fell into this trap in my teens. I was a “nice guy”. Not because it was right, but because I thought that’s what would get me women. I had no confidence in myself as a person and I thought that being “nice” compensated for the things I didn’t like about myself. When the girls in high school weren’t giving me any play, I developed a lot of resentment towards them and started acting like the “bad boys”. That didn’t yield positive results either and I ended up in a string of relationships with a bunch of fine ass knuckleheads I didn’t even like. It took me a while to realize that I my view of relationships was completely unhealthy and misguided.

As I have matured, I began to realize what my problem was. It wasn’t that all the women wanted to mess with thugs and it wasn’t because nice guys finished last either. It was because I was a socially awkward teenage kid with low self-esteem, no charisma, and no clue how to talk to a young lady. That’s the mistake a lot of the “nice guys” make. They’re completely oblivious to the fact that they’re doing something wrong. They play the role of the “nice guy” because they believe that’s the kind of guy women want or on some level, it makes them better than the “thugs” who are getting the attention that they desire. When the “nice guy” thing doesn’t work, they begin to accuse women of having some kind of character flaw that keeps men with any kind of decency from getting their attention and that’s a really self destructive mindset.

Going into my early twenties, I took a long hard look at myself and discovered that I needed to change my thinking. I spend time figuring out who I was, what I wanted out of life and what kind of woman I wanted to be with. Getting older, it wasn’t about finding a “good woman”. It was about meeting a someone I was compatible with and can relate to. That’s basically what women want. They don’t want a one dimensional nerd that they have nothing in common with. Or some cheesy ass punk with no personality that thinks ladies owe him something for being nice.  Once you get start being a “nice guy” you’re basically trying to manipulate women into liking your awkward ass.

Finding a good woman is great. Finding yourself, loving yourself, gaining confidence in yourself is what will make you happy. Being nice is cool, but being genuinely good to people and being a person of character and principle is what being a good man is all about. “Nice guys finish last” is a falsehood, and stating that women have some pathological aversion to good men is just a cop out. Don’t be a nice guy. Just be the best “you” that you can. Continue to seek self improvement and Ms. Right will come along when the time is right.

Jeremy Whiteside is a lover of hip hop, reader, writer and chicken waing connoisseur out of Louisville, KY.   You can find him at Jaygravy.com and follow him on Twitter @jaygravy

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14 Responses to “Gentlemen’s Corner: Mr. Nice Guy”

  1. KashJames says:

    This article did make some good points. However, his conclusion seems to be based on his own experiences(I am still not convinced a male wrote this). My observation of the world and others I know, is completely different. My conversations with women and men on the subject matter has always had the same message “Women like badboys”. It’s something about it being a challenge. I have learned that it’s something that women usually grow out of.
    Women are not perfect, and neither are men. I believe people have trouble admitting women have faults, because it feels like a step in the wrong direction, in the path towards equality between sexes. It’s a tough road. However I think there are a few problems within women which holds the movement back.
    I agree with almost everything with this article. However, “Nice Guys” do finish last. In every aspect in life not just women. There are some very good points made in this article and it made me think. But my life observations, conversations and experiences tells me the opposite. I don’t want to get into my personal life details, but whoever wrote this article is SOOOOOO WRONG! Women don’t even deny it. The reason being a “thug” didn’t work for you was because you were being fake. And when you were trying to suck up to them, you got no play cause it was fake! Your problem wasn’t about being a bad or good boy it was about your fakeness. Women see through that.
    My words are meant to help, not hurt
    PEACE

    • “However, his conclusion seems to be based on his own experiences(I am still not convinced a male wrote this)”

      So, you come on my blog to call me a liar?
      Oh. Ok.

      • KashJames says:

        I am not convinced a guy wrote the article, simple. I could be wrong. I’m not afraid of being wrong. I came on your blog because I like the subject matter and I enjoy having a good debate with thinkers such as myself cause you always learn something. The point of my response wasn’t to call anyone a liar it was to basically say, that I disagreed with points made. I have been interested in the same subject matter and I objectively came up with a different conclusions.
        Who wrote the article, I thought it was supposed to be a male. So why is Feminista Jones responding saying I am calling her a liar. Because I responding to an article that was supposedly written by a male.
        The only way Feminista Jones should think I called her a liar is if she wrote the article.

        • “The only way Feminista Jones should think I called her a liar is if she wrote the article.”

          Is that the only way I’d think that?
          Or could it be you saying
          “I am still not convinced a male wrote this”?
          I’m just saying….

          That circular logic you just used was terrible. This is a post that *I* put up on MY blog, so by your questioning who it was written by, is questioning my integrity as the person running this site.

          For real tho?

          Ok.

          • KashJames says:

            @Feminista, Ahhh I get your point… my intention wasn’t to question your integrity. I can understand how it was insulting.
            @Eric, EXACTLY! We can not be making conclusions based only on our own experiences. I was just saying that my experience and “minimal” research shows otherwise(yes, minimal). I only associate or have discussions with thinkers, so I don’t think I received stereotypical answers.
            @Jaygravy, okay now I am completely convinced the writer is a man. I agree with 99% of what you had to say. Not that it matters, but I have very high standards for women I date.
            @Everyone, I think that women are attracted to “badboys” just like how dudes are attracted to girls who give it up easy(no names callin!). Its something that most of us grow out of.

    • Jaygravy says:

      First off, I wrote it. I am indeed a man. Second, you do have a point. Nice guys do finish last… when they’re 14. You said it yourself. “It something women usually grow out of”. And if you’re “finishing last due” to all the women out there liking bad boys or thugs, then your standards as far as the women you choose to date are probably low, my brother. I’m just saying. There are plenty, and I mean PLENTY of grown ass women out there who would prefer a decent guy over a thug. Most of the sisters I know do.

  2. Eric says:

    Kash your comment is nonsensical. You question the writer’s conclusions based off his personal experiences, but then immediately bring your personal experience up as evidence of the writer’s conclusion being wrong. What makes your experience more authentic than the writer’s? Did it occur to you the women you spoke with only stuck stereotypical answer because they didn’t feel comfortable being honest with you or themselves?

    • Truth Be Told says:

      Good point Eric! I was about to point the same thing out. How do you dismiss the writer’s comment based on “However, his conclusion seems to be based on his own experiences” and then in the very next sentence, talk about “My observation of the world and others I know, is completely different…” and posit that as the more viable argument? So your experience doesn’t merit instant dismissal but the writer’s does? You don’t see the irony in that? Ok.

  3. Nikki says:

    Questions. Does a nice guy equal a good man? Are they interchangeable or no? In my experiences as a young woman, I’m starting to see that there is some gray area with this subject matter. I’ve ran into and have given nice men chances, but they turned out to be dogs. I still have hope though.

  4. AltThesis says:

    The question is…how does an individual define “nice guy?” Kash, you do realize that “nice” ultimately depends on who defines it, right? You also notice how some men use the nice guy card to get sex from women, right? There are cases where niceness enhances the chance of smashing. That is part of the reason why some guys “act nice.” Either way, the idea that nice guys finish last is not true in all cases. Also, how is it that you’re trying to discredit the writer’s points based on personal experience when you use your own experiences as the only source of dissent? How does your experience rate over the writer’s experiences exactly? So because his view differs from yours, a female wrote it? That’s some very…subpar deductive reasoning skills at work.

    In response to the article, it was a good piece. I would love to hear Jay’s thoughts about who the nice guy considers “attractive.” It is similar to what I said on twitter regarding the fact that there are nice guys who chase the wrong type of women, similar to how women chase the wrong type of male. That is what happens when you focus too much on looks. Looks are significant, but not the only thing. I knew plenty of so-called “nice guys” chasing women who were obviously interested in dudes similar to the ones you grew up around on the block or the ones you saw in videos. You’re getting rejected off jump and even some of the hood dudes got rejected by those women. And like Jay said, some of it is the nice guy’s personality. Nobody wants to date anyone with the personality of a wet dish rack. Then, there are the nice guys who are just overly negative about women and that turns women off too. The point is, nice guys do not always finish last and rejection will happen regardless. Just don’t let it affect your views on the dating game. Chill and just enjoy.

  5. Jaygravy says:

    Let me get deeper into it. In my opinion, there’s a difference between the “nice guys” and brothers who are generally good to people. Nice guys play the role just to get in good with a woman. They’d probably be a complete fucking asshole to these ladies if they thought they could get away with it and still get the panty drawls. I can’t speak for other men, but all a woman needed was looks to attract me. I was as shallow as I claimed these young ladies were. My choice in women was sorely lacking. I touched on it a little in the post when I talk about being a “bad boy” and finally getting the type of women I was after. They were fine as hell, but I really didn’t like any of them.

    • justsomeguy says:

      Is there a difference or is the “difference” really more temporal. When I was a teenager I would have defined myself as nice guy. It was because girls, I thought, would like a nice guy but that those qualities are things my mom taught me are how a young man should treat a young lady. And because I was a socially awkward teen still formulating a coherent worldview it did have the feel of being an act, to some extent it was. I was still trying to figure it all out in relation to new feelings and just general maturing. Now, I am more comfortable with myself and have some experience so I can definitely see the difference between then and now but I feel like that was the result of a process and not some demarcation between the two.

      I guess my issue with the tacking down of “nice” guys is the assumption that it is insincere. That was never the case for me, I wasn’t trying to manipulate anyone. But for shy, socially awkward males who don’t conform to most notions of masculinity if you ask them about their motives I feel like there’s a certain amount of gender performance because they’d rather not feel even more emasculated by framing their desire emotionally.

  6. KashJames says:

    Hmmm I have a lot of reconsidering to do. Thanks everyone for your responses.

  7. kjnetic. says:

    based off my personal experiences, id have to disgagree w/ the majority of the post. however, i do believe that there are guys who use the nice guy schtick to get ass, and there are inherently nice guys. the latter, routinely finish last, until they stop caring about getting into a relationship with the one most compatible with them, and just live their live. maybe then, they’ll find someone for them.

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