Gentlemen’s Corner is a series of blog posts by men. I want to give men the opportunity to speak about themselves in relation to how they see us, think about us, feel about us… their wishes, dreams, and hopes for us… and their wants, needs, and desires from us. This is an effort to bridge the gaps that seem to perpetually plague our interactions. If you’re a man interested in contributing to this site with a relevant post, please send an email pitch to firstname.lastname@example.org
On my way to work last week, I was bumping “Mr. Nice Guy”, the title track off of singer, Eric Roberson‘s latest album. The song talks about a nice guy getting taken advantage of by a woman and how difficult it is for some decent brothers to find someone who won’t take their kindness for a weakness. A lot of men deal with the frustration of being “Mr. Nice Guy” at some time or another. I definitely have, but I think men take this sentiment way too far and it leads them to an incredibly misguided view of relationships and resentment towards women.
Finding a good mate is usually a difficult, disappointing and incredibly annoying endeavor for almost everyone. The problem a lot of “nice guys” have is holding on to their values and being nice for the right reasons. I fell into this trap in my teens. I was a “nice guy”. Not because it was right, but because I thought that’s what would get me women. I had no confidence in myself as a person and I thought that being “nice” compensated for the things I didn’t like about myself. When the girls in high school weren’t giving me any play, I developed a lot of resentment towards them and started acting like the “bad boys”. That didn’t yield positive results either and I ended up in a string of relationships with a bunch of fine ass knuckleheads I didn’t even like. It took me a while to realize that I my view of relationships was completely unhealthy and misguided.
As I have matured, I began to realize what my problem was. It wasn’t that all the women wanted to mess with thugs and it wasn’t because nice guys finished last either. It was because I was a socially awkward teenage kid with low self-esteem, no charisma, and no clue how to talk to a young lady. That’s the mistake a lot of the “nice guys” make. They’re completely oblivious to the fact that they’re doing something wrong. They play the role of the “nice guy” because they believe that’s the kind of guy women want or on some level, it makes them better than the “thugs” who are getting the attention that they desire. When the “nice guy” thing doesn’t work, they begin to accuse women of having some kind of character flaw that keeps men with any kind of decency from getting their attention and that’s a really self destructive mindset.
Going into my early twenties, I took a long hard look at myself and discovered that I needed to change my thinking. I spend time figuring out who I was, what I wanted out of life and what kind of woman I wanted to be with. Getting older, it wasn’t about finding a “good woman”. It was about meeting a someone I was compatible with and can relate to. That’s basically what women want. They don’t want a one dimensional nerd that they have nothing in common with. Or some cheesy ass punk with no personality that thinks ladies owe him something for being nice. Once you get start being a “nice guy” you’re basically trying to manipulate women into liking your awkward ass.
Finding a good woman is great. Finding yourself, loving yourself, gaining confidence in yourself is what will make you happy. Being nice is cool, but being genuinely good to people and being a person of character and principle is what being a good man is all about. “Nice guys finish last” is a falsehood, and stating that women have some pathological aversion to good men is just a cop out. Don’t be a nice guy. Just be the best “you” that you can. Continue to seek self improvement and Ms. Right will come along when the time is right.
Jeremy Whiteside is a lover of hip hop, reader, writer and chicken waing connoisseur out of Louisville, KY. You can find him at Jaygravy.com and follow him on Twitter @jaygravy