Gentlemen’s Corner: Why Men Don’t Always Date The Game Changer

Gentlemen’s Corner is a series of blog posts by men. I want to give men the opportunity to speak about themselves in relation to how they see us, think about us, feel about us… their wishes, dreams, and hopes for us… and their wants, needs, and desires from us. This is an effort to bridge the gaps that seem to perpetually plague our interactions. If you’re a man interested in contributing to this site with a relevant post, please send an email pitch to feministajones@gmail.com

Every man comes across this game changer, but most of them fuck it up because they’re scared of what she represents—the end of an era. He’s afraid he’s going to become one of those squares who stays up under a chick, can’t kick it with the homies, or party with the ratchets. The world that he thinks makes him happy is about to end because this exceptional woman has the power to make him grow the fuck up. Boo fucking hoo. Immature niggas love to sabotage themselves and make any excuse to hold on to the old ways. Dude treats this perfect woman like most democrats treated Obama; the world isn’t ready, wait for the right time blah blah blah. Naw man, fuck waiting, you cannot prolong change, and you have to accept that shit when it happens or you will lose that opportunity. – BlackGirlsAreEasy.Com

The first time I read this, I felt like the writer hit the proverbial nail with a sledgehammer. Somehow he was able to sum up every single reason I could find to duck relationships and commitment the way I’ve done over the last three years.

I was afraid of giving up the game.

I was afraid of giving up the freedom.

I didn’t want to keep doing the merry-go-round of women in my bedroom, but I wasn’t ready to make it a one woman room either.

In short, I was punking out. Making excuses. I was pretty much cheating myself out of having a great relationship because I kept thinking about all of the things I would be giving up…and not all of the things I would actually be gaining.

What man doesn’t want a good woman at home? For a woman to be the light in the darkest periods of his life? Play nurse when he’s sick, play chef when he’s hungry, and play bad student when he’s the good teacher?

Many men dream about having that kind of woman in his life. But as is often said…

Timing, is everything.

I always felt the timing was off when it came to what I wanted out of a relationship. If I’m with someone, I know I’d want to be down with them 100%. I’d want to be everything they needed and be able to provide support whenever they came up short. I want us to be able to build together and create something so beautiful, having to do without that could never be up for consideration.

The reality of that situation is, while I was in school, it simply wasn’t possible. Relationships require time, resources, patience, and above all…communication. I had no time. No resources. Very little patience. And I wasn’t interested in talking to anybody about anything.

Fast forward to after graduation and, though I’ve been working on it, the same problems persist. I’m not where I want to be in life. Not even close. Women often times are under the impression a man is only saying this to string them along or feel “there’s always going to be something wrong. It’ll never be the RIGHT time.”

They’re half right.

Some men will tell a woman whatever she wants to hear in order to keep her close because he needs her at that particular point in his life. The moment he’s gotten over that hump and her purpose is served, that’s when he pulls a Kanye and “leaves yo ass for a white girl.”

For other men, the “right” time is actually…the RIGHT time. It’s when everything he thought he’d be is aligned with his reality. It makes him feel confident enough to go and get that woman so he can share every thing he’s built with her.

The problem with this is sometimes, on the way to the “right” time, things change and whatever looks “right” gets pushed further and further away.

In the latter case, there are women out there who are willing to wait and will support a man until he gets there. In my case, while I was in law school, I ran into these women more times than I care to really give credit to.

Women saw something in me which made them feel comfortable in waiting. Those women always lightweight scared me because if something changes, I’d never want someone to feel like they waited for nothing. As Hov says…

“It wasn’t fair to tell you wait, so I told you to skate, you chose not to, now look at the shit we gotta go through”

It’s always a hard choice. As a man, I felt like sometimes I met someone who really made me feel like it could work with them. That I could trust and depend on them. That maybe I didn’t have to wait until I got to the “right” place…them showing up was no accident and in THAT moment, if I chose to move forward with her, WAS right.

I’m still not sure if not moving forward on certain situations was the best move, and that’s something I and other men have to deal with. Sometimes with women, it’s not about how good they are for us and how much better we’d be with them. It’s not always as simple as “I don’t want to give up ‘the life” or “I’m too scared to move forward because of commitment.”

Sometimes it felt like I’d be altering my entire life’s destiny for a woman because I moved on something before I was ready to. It never felt like the right move to make.

I feel like I shouldn’t place that kind of burden on anybody else. If I gambled on a woman and came up short to the point where I felt like I lost a life opportunity behind that?

It would turn even the warmest heart into a frigid glacier.


Garfield Hylton is a writer and recent law school graduate currently residing in the DMV area. Follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight. His writing can be found, primarily, at RealGoesRight.Com, “A blog written by a man…that sentence alone is amazing, isn’t it?”

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17 Responses to “Gentlemen’s Corner: Why Men Don’t Always Date The Game Changer”

  1. Darrk Gable says:

    Not sure how many bruhs have read this, but basically, it’s spot on. My only question that you may not have asked is what about the times when a man is unsure about the right time, but later it proves to be just that? I mean situations can be disguised as not being the right time, but circumstances, fate, whatever you want to call it can align in such a way that a man gets an “aha moment” and realizes, the right time is now, with this woman. She is the right one.

    • I’m sure Garfield will weigh in, but I wanted to do so as well.

      I think that when he has that “Aha” moment, he needs to roll with it. Simply. You don’t want to miss out on THE good thing simply because you deem circumstances aren’t perfect. If everything in you tells you that this woman, right here, right now, is the one who is going to change your life for the better, don’t let her go. She may be exactly who and what you need at this moment. You don’t always have to think about 5 years or 10 years from now. She could be essentially who was sent to you in this particular moment. She could be exactly who and what you need, right now.

      XOXO,
      FJ

      • Darrk Gable says:

        Then comes the next question. Times change, and people do as well. Will the man be willing to deal.with the changes? Will the woman? There’s an old adage that states, “men get married, hoping a woman will never change, while women get married hoping a man will.” Agree or disagree?

        • That’s one of those individual questions that is completely up to the people involved. There’s a whole bunch of reasons why it can go either one or the other way. Hypothetically, you’d just have to work it out with that particular person, because no one answer is going to solve this at all.

        • I actually don’t agree with that “adage”. Not 100% and not for everyone. It’s a gross generalization. I think that men and women have some different expectations when it comes to marriage, but not everything is in disagreement.

          Everything changes…and we have no choice but to adapt. Either you’re in or out. If the changes override the desire to be together, make it absolutely difficult or damned near impossible, you have to walk away. If the love is stronger than the changes, then you work through them and make adjustments.

          I think the BIGGEST problem is that people cling to the narrowest views of what “relationships” are and how they’re supposed to look. I’m in favor of long-term “dating”. I’m against rushed commitment. I believe that two people can have deep feelings for each other and enjoy each other’s company, without making an “official” commitment of exclusivity. I think if more people considered engaging in interpersonal, intimate interactions outside of the scope of their comfort zones (or society’s pre-determined zones), people might just find themselves happier.

          Ex. I can date a man in NYC and a man in DC, enjoy both of their company, and have feelings for each. If I’m open and honest about how neither is the only person I’m dealing with, then I’ve done my part. I’m having fun, enjoying life, and each person gets his own attention, as I’m available. Should they find themselves uncomfortable with that, over time, it is on them to tell me and make it known what they want or don’t want from me. I’d have no problem with them seeing other people either. Now, at some point, feelings may get stronger, and the desire for exclusivity might be expressed by someone. At that point, discussions need to be had. This, to me, is “things changing”. ANd that is perfectly normal so long as people communicate and are honest.

          I’ve had men say they’re cool with me seeing other people when they really aren’t, just to not lose their opportunity to date me. That’s not cool. Too many people agree to situations that they KNOW they don’t want, just to keep someone around. Or maybe it was cool initially until they realized that, yes, I actually DO date other people lol. Then, for them, things “changed” but for me they were the same as the beginning.

          Men and women approach this “timing” thing differently, for the most part. Women are moer patient and nurturing, generally. We tolerate more and are willing to invest more, IMO. But some of us know what it’s like to be both the game changer and the one avoiding the game changer, so we’re far more careful in our handling of the people we deal with and ourselves.

        • shauncey says:

          i totally agree.

    • 1stly, thanks for reading and commenting. I definitely appreciate it.

      Hindsight is 20/20. From personal experience, it tends to be pretty difficult to be able to judge at the time, whether it’s ok to “change course” or not. The best I can say is, if everything in you makes it feel as if you’d be making a huge mistake by not including her, just go on and do it. F.J. is right. Sometimes we get caught up in the long view without looking toward our immediate needs and we try to figure out everything at the same time. I’m learning that sometimes, I don’t have to see the long picture with everyone. Them making it seem possible at just that moment, may be all that I need to know.

  2. Nikki says:

    Thanks for this post! I really needed to read this. I feel like what I got from this is either be free from drama or stick around to deal with someone ‘s mess. After two years I recently broke it off with a man because I knew it wasn’t gonna go anywhere, but I stuck around because I hope that things would change in my favor. I was in pain missing him even though I knew he wasn’t right, and people that knew the situation knew he wasn’t right. Now I’m not hurting anymore. I don’t want to cry anymore, and I’m back at the genuine place where I truly wish him well.

    • Hey Nikki. I’m glad you were able to get to a point where you could let go, and even better, you’re able to wish him well. Alot of times, those situations take so much out of us we’re left bitter and defeated. I’m glad you were able to get some value on the words I wrote and I hope your experience helps you to make smarter decisions in the future.

  3. a.chigozie says:

    timing. i appreciate this standpoint but the issue i have with the timing stance is that it’s almost entirely based on financial security or career status. I could be wrong about that, but that is typically what I hear. why not join hands with someone who you can build with right now (which is the right time), than wait til later (which could also be the right time, but a different woman). There is male tendency to go it alone until he’s reached this certain point, but I feel like you could reach that point much sooner if he had the right person there alongside him.

    • Well, for my observations, women are always willing to wait for a man to get to a certain point and will help him get there…but some people are more patient than others. Personally, I find it safer for my own sanity to have a good foundation of “security” before I get to involving people in any sort of personal relationships.

      As a friend of mine said, “I like to start off walking, if I end up limping, then fine. But I don’t wanna start off limping.”

      In other words, I’d prefer to be on my own two feet before I start in a relationship. If I end up taking an L while I’m in there, fine. But I don’t wanna walk in with all the bags and burdens without being able to do anything about it either.

      • I think your approach is one that most men take. There are, however, those who prefer to have women be there for and with them when they have “nothing” and support them as they grow, because they feel like those women “held them down” and there is a sense of loyalty there. I’ve heard other views/approaches expressed too. It really is all about the individuals.

  4. wise math allah says:

    I don’t mean to trivialize the brother’s words to the point of contention, but time is time. You either find a version of “the one” or you don’t. There’s no right or wrong method to how a person decides on dealing with a mate. I think, in this instance, it puts the onus on the fact a man MUST be full of game and/or deceit. None of what I read there SEEMS to put to other mitigating factors. Instead, it looks to harp on our reportedly wayward loins and our desire to think grass is greener elsewhere. It also wants to make our need to be self-sufficient as a barrier to a greater love.

    Truth is, both genders have choices and sacrifices to make in a relationship. No one side has the authoritative blueprint on the whole dating/relationship thing. Just go with your gut; it never betrays you (for the most part).

  5. Charles says:

    Man…. This is everything in my head summed up in words I couldnt find…

  6. theComplex says:

    Wow… this explains a lot. I’ve let someone (probably other women) convince me that men want a woman they can grow with. Having tried to be supportive for one too many, the failures make sense. It can’t work.

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