Gentlemen’s Corner is a series of blog posts by men. I want to give men the opportunity to speak about themselves in relation to how they see us, think about us, feel about us… their wishes, dreams, and hopes for us… and their wants, needs, and desires from us. This is an effort to bridge the gaps that seem to perpetually plague our interactions. If you’re a man interested in contributing to this site with a relevant post, please send an email pitch to firstname.lastname@example.org
Every man comes across this game changer, but most of them fuck it up because they’re scared of what she represents—the end of an era. He’s afraid he’s going to become one of those squares who stays up under a chick, can’t kick it with the homies, or party with the ratchets. The world that he thinks makes him happy is about to end because this exceptional woman has the power to make him grow the fuck up. Boo fucking hoo. Immature niggas love to sabotage themselves and make any excuse to hold on to the old ways. Dude treats this perfect woman like most democrats treated Obama; the world isn’t ready, wait for the right time blah blah blah. Naw man, fuck waiting, you cannot prolong change, and you have to accept that shit when it happens or you will lose that opportunity. – BlackGirlsAreEasy.Com
The first time I read this, I felt like the writer hit the proverbial nail with a sledgehammer. Somehow he was able to sum up every single reason I could find to duck relationships and commitment the way I’ve done over the last three years.
I was afraid of giving up the game.
I was afraid of giving up the freedom.
I didn’t want to keep doing the merry-go-round of women in my bedroom, but I wasn’t ready to make it a one woman room either.
In short, I was punking out. Making excuses. I was pretty much cheating myself out of having a great relationship because I kept thinking about all of the things I would be giving up…and not all of the things I would actually be gaining.
What man doesn’t want a good woman at home? For a woman to be the light in the darkest periods of his life? Play nurse when he’s sick, play chef when he’s hungry, and play bad student when he’s the good teacher?
Many men dream about having that kind of woman in his life. But as is often said…
Timing, is everything.
I always felt the timing was off when it came to what I wanted out of a relationship. If I’m with someone, I know I’d want to be down with them 100%. I’d want to be everything they needed and be able to provide support whenever they came up short. I want us to be able to build together and create something so beautiful, having to do without that could never be up for consideration.
The reality of that situation is, while I was in school, it simply wasn’t possible. Relationships require time, resources, patience, and above all…communication. I had no time. No resources. Very little patience. And I wasn’t interested in talking to anybody about anything.
Fast forward to after graduation and, though I’ve been working on it, the same problems persist. I’m not where I want to be in life. Not even close. Women often times are under the impression a man is only saying this to string them along or feel “there’s always going to be something wrong. It’ll never be the RIGHT time.”
They’re half right.
Some men will tell a woman whatever she wants to hear in order to keep her close because he needs her at that particular point in his life. The moment he’s gotten over that hump and her purpose is served, that’s when he pulls a Kanye and “leaves yo ass for a white girl.”
For other men, the “right” time is actually…the RIGHT time. It’s when everything he thought he’d be is aligned with his reality. It makes him feel confident enough to go and get that woman so he can share every thing he’s built with her.
The problem with this is sometimes, on the way to the “right” time, things change and whatever looks “right” gets pushed further and further away.
In the latter case, there are women out there who are willing to wait and will support a man until he gets there. In my case, while I was in law school, I ran into these women more times than I care to really give credit to.
Women saw something in me which made them feel comfortable in waiting. Those women always lightweight scared me because if something changes, I’d never want someone to feel like they waited for nothing. As Hov says…
“It wasn’t fair to tell you wait, so I told you to skate, you chose not to, now look at the shit we gotta go through”
It’s always a hard choice. As a man, I felt like sometimes I met someone who really made me feel like it could work with them. That I could trust and depend on them. That maybe I didn’t have to wait until I got to the “right” place…them showing up was no accident and in THAT moment, if I chose to move forward with her, WAS right.
I’m still not sure if not moving forward on certain situations was the best move, and that’s something I and other men have to deal with. Sometimes with women, it’s not about how good they are for us and how much better we’d be with them. It’s not always as simple as “I don’t want to give up ‘the life” or “I’m too scared to move forward because of commitment.”
Sometimes it felt like I’d be altering my entire life’s destiny for a woman because I moved on something before I was ready to. It never felt like the right move to make.
I feel like I shouldn’t place that kind of burden on anybody else. If I gambled on a woman and came up short to the point where I felt like I lost a life opportunity behind that?
It would turn even the warmest heart into a frigid glacier.
Garfield Hylton is a writer and recent law school graduate currently residing in the DMV area. Follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight. His writing can be found, primarily, at RealGoesRight.Com, “A blog written by a man…that sentence alone is amazing, isn’t it?”