HO HO-rrendous Double Standards

Hello!

Have you seen the Sprint commercial with the two neighbors texting/emailing each other? One guy sends the other an email saying his lights are “ho ho-rrendous”. That was hilarious! I crack up every time I see it and it inspired this blog title. I’m still laughing… ahhhh *sigh*.

So I want to talk about sexual double standards and maybe spark some dialog about why such standards exist between men and women. I touched on it here and here but wanted to talk specifically about the various perceptions men and women have about what sexual acts make a woman a “ho” or at least a woman a man wouldn’t move beyond “jump off” status?

Is it a specific act? Like drinking cum with a straw?
It is how she behaves after the fact?
Is it what she says or how she talks about it?

Men: Does it matter if its something you enjoy too? Like, you love anal, but think anal whores are nasty?
If so, why is it cool for you, a man to enjoy it, but not her?

Is there a time frame that should be adhered to before women can show “that side”?
Is there some standard of decorum by which women are measured? For example: If a woman likes facials, how long does she wait before admitting it or asking for a man to do it?

Are there some acts that should be reserved for someone “special”?
Or for when you’re in a committed relationship?
Married?
What makes those acts “special” or different from others that they shouldn’t be done in the first session?

These are the important questions people…

If it isn’t obvious, I have a rather biased opinion about this and you should know this if you follow this blog. I decided to ask a few online communities for feedback to find out people’s perceptions about this.

The most common thing women said they want to try but are afraid to do or afraid to ask about because they don’t want to seem like a “ho” is: a MFM threesome (<—x-rated link).This was followed closely by “Swinging“.

I am not in ANY way surprised by this. Why? Double standards. Now, before you get all huffy puffy, I absolutely recognize that not every man has an interest in having even a FMF, or MFF threesome (when you initial threesomes, the sex u put in the middle denotes the one being engaging with the two others. So FMF is different from MFF because the later suggests at least one woman is bisexual. The more you know). This is directed at the men who DO enjoy threesomes with 2 women, but are against threesomes with 2 men:

All across the blogosphere, women are cheering me on right now. Men, pay close attention!

Let me tell you something… you have NO right whatsofuckingever to come out of your mouths requesting a FMF/MFF threesome from your lady if you are NOT willing to entertain the idea of her having one with two men. NONE!! The ONLY way this works is if your lady says she is not interested in the latter. Yeah, I said it. Go on ahead and be mad. Think of every possible excuse you can, and when you are done, check yourself!! This is some bullshit!

First, the homophobia in this double-standard sickens me. Men will say it’s gay for another man to be in the bed, but its not gay for another woman to be in the bed?. Word? Because shit is only gay when two dudes are involved, right? Two dudes who aren’t even touching each other, right? But it’s not gay when two women are in the same room? Or it IS, but that’s ok because it’s two women and it’s for your pleasure, right? Oh. Ok. Well:

Second, I’m bothered that women feel they can’t admit this to men. Talk to me men, for real. What would you say or how would you respond if a woman said she wanted a MFM threesome? Is that against the rules for you? Is that… “ho shit”? When you answer, please note if you’re into threesomes with 2 women too. Women, why yall so damn scary? Maybe if we spoke up more, things would change! If a man won’t marry you because you love your face painted with cum, FUCK HIM!! Like, literally, fuck him, then leave and be all like “FUCK YOU!!”

But this is not just about threesomes. Please, there are more things going on (or not going on) between TWO people that get the same response from me.  A number of you men cheer on my blog like, “Yeah! Yeah tell those women what they need to be doing!!” but then you impose limits on what she can do in order for you to take her seriously? Word? That’s how we do it in these here streets?

Here is some feedback I’ve received when I put these questions out:

“oh, well if a woman tells me within the first 30 days she likes facials I’m suspect as hell…”

“I want to be called a bitch or slut in bed, but men only use that on women they don’t respect…”

“I enjoy being with more than one man at a time. And I enjoy being with women. Men are intrigued by both but tend to assume you’re a ho.”

“And then men I date always sound down but don’t like seeing me ‘like that’ though. Other guys see me as ‘Innocent’ that’s why so many men I’ve been with “cheat”. They think they’ll marry me.”

“I’m really into porn…”

“I rarely admit to my bi and group activities”

“When men ask me about what I like, I almost never tell them about my swinging days.”

“I haven’t met a woman yet that could be TOO sexual for me.  BUUUUUT.  If I’m looking for a serious woman, I don’t want to know how freaky she is up front.  Oh I want it all, but not at the beginning of the relationship.  I want gradual hints that she’s not scared to try new things and to be outlandish, but I don’t want her knobslobbing me in the movies in the “getting to know u” phase.  That’s always cool for a jump off, or for a wifey, but not for something in between.  So if she’s knob slobbing in the movies, we’re either married/on the way there OR she’s the jump off and nothing more.”

“I’m big into fantasy and role play but my exes weren’t”

“I do know that in each case with my three relationships, once I opened up about this, it became sorta “eh”. I guess guys want that “good girl” and not so much of the “freak” because it makes them uncomfortable.”

“Threesomes. More specifically trains. I don’t do two women- I’m selfish- focus on me thank you very much.”

“I believe more relationships and marriages would be better if people would express how they really feel. I love when women are open sexually. It makes things easier and also a gateway to some great sex. You get straight to the issue. If she likes to swallow but is afraid to tell him, he might want the same thing, hence communication is key. When people realize that women are just as sexual as men and in most cases the are more sexual, maybe some barriers can be broken.”

“It would have to be a foursome, MMMF. I got three holes.”

“I don’t ‘own up’ to all my previous sexual ‘acts’ until I know a person. People are too damned judgmental!”

“I will say that some men dont deserve the “ho” treatment because they wont respect it.”

“Have sex with several different men back to back to back in one night.”

“That’s why some women cheat. You need to get the freak out and the man in your life won’t.”

“When a woman wants to do something freaky, she’s labeled. However, a man is just praised for the same thing.”

“Just dont put your ho stuff in the streets. Thats where some go wrong…”

Those are just some of the responses I received to this topic. It seemed to me, reading responses, that men focused more on women being “quiet” about what they do and/or waiting a certain period of time before showing that side. They don’t want to hear, up front/in the beginning, that you are a freak. But… BUT.. they most certainly DO want you to be one! It also seemed to me that women are very interested in having sex with multiple partners at once, preferably men, but feel that makes them look like “hos”

Women, stop letting some men and their outlandish double standards limit you from finding and exploring your FREAK! Do you! Get yours! If a man can’t vibe with you on the things you like sexually, find someone who does. Don’t limit yourself if its true to who you are. I think the conservative should stick with conservative and freaks with freaks. This would save a lot of drama. We need name tags.

Umm… thoughts?

This exhausted me. *smh*

Peace,

FJ

31 thoughts on “HO HO-rrendous Double Standards”

  1. The attitude I hate the most was included in your post: it’s the idea that a man wants his woman to be freaky, but she can’t be honest about it in the beginning; that he wants her to gradually clue him in.

    I hate that! I can’t be true to myself so that you can feel like you’re introducing things to me? GTFOH!

    When I’m not honest with men it’s because I don’t want them jumping the gun. Just because I did X with another guy doesn’t mean I’m going to do it with you. Just because I did Y in the past doesn’t mean I’m doing it with you in the present.

    The other problem with having an open and honest conversation about sex with a man is the climate usually changes once the conversation is started. You start talking about sex with a man, and suddenly that’s all he wants to talk about. Gone are the talks about who you are and where you want to go in life. Suddenly every conversation winds up centering around sex. WTF?

    But, if a guy can’t handle hearing about my sexual past and proclivities, then he’s not the man for me and I move on!

    1. “I hate that! I can’t be true to myself so that you can feel like you’re introducing things to me? GTFOH!”

      This takes it to another level not really discussed yet. This idea that men should be the ones teaching women or turning women into freaks. That’s problematic as well and is rooted in sexist oppression. It suggests that men should have control over women’s sexuality and sexual oppression. I wholeheartedly reject that.

      Many men I know say they prefer women with experience. In fact, most men I know run for the hills when a woman says she is a virgin. But then you have the men who say a woman shouldn’t be “too experienced”. Well… what the fuck does that mean? A woman can learn 180 ways to suck a dick from the ONE man she has been with, her ex-husband, but if she is “too experienced” it is a problem? A woman can have had sex with 100 men and know very little about anything “extra”. How, exactly, are men measuring “experience”?

      Again, it puts men in the position of being free to do whatever they want sexually. It even puts a certain level of responsibility on them to be some kind of studly superstar in bed. The truth is, there are many men who are rather vanilla in their sexual experiences and can learn a thing or two or 53 from women.

  2. Isn’t the idea to enjoy yourselves while practicing safer sex. Especially if its a first date, hook up whatever. I think we really forget about that. Who cares if she wants some butt sex on date one. If she likes it and you are with it why not. She asks you to pop in her face. OKAY. its not like you weren’t already thinking about cumming on her ass or stomach before she even took her clothes off. Guys need to loosen up. Imma ho because I am digging you enough to smash and want to do super dirty things with you on the first date, but you aren’t. How the hell does that work?

    I really feel for Sincere though because black and latina women can be Mean as snakes when it comes to a bi-sexual man.

    I’m going to start rambling but you get the point.

  3. This is why I love this blog! I’m all for knobslobbing but the judgement was making me celibate. I just want a loving relationship where both individuals can be free to be themselves.

    1. I hear this and wanna cry!

      Celibacy?

      *faint*

      I think I’m going to impose a ban on the “C” word henceforth on this blog lol

  4. I completely agree with you when it comes to this. I’ve have many conversations with male friends where they want to be able to do the nastiest things with women, but let the woman be down for it and all of a sudden there is something wrong with her!

    That’s one of the reasons I absolutely love my fiancee. He didn’t buy into that shit at all. I told him flat out I was a freak, had my share of partners, and his only response was “Good! This won’t be boring. Now take off your fucking panties.” Done. That shows mental and emotional maturity in my book; the recognition that I’m a human being too and not just an exstention of his penis’ conquest.

    @Sincere- I’m sorry you have to experience that. I know I’ve seen conversations with WOC where they’ll outright say that they’d never date a bisexual man. It is an unfair double standard indeed, especially considering some of these same chicks will slide their tongues down a woman’s throat the moment you get three shots of Patron in them. *eye roll*

    1. You are luck to have found such a man! Good luck girl! Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your commentary and perspective 🙂

      XOXO,
      FJ

  5. I agree the double standards are ugly and ignorant if you ask me! But I see how woman feel the way they do! By me being a bi-Sexual male it’s hard to share this with woman especially woman of color! I never hide my sexuality I do wait a certain amount of time before sharing. But it never fails that the Womans starts pulling away from me to know ive been involved with men! So I say that to simply say fuck double standards all together enjoy what you enjoy and have no shame for it!!

    1. Thank you for sharing. This troubles me so much, but thank you for bringing it up. Women are NOT innocent. We can be pretty bad too… holding certain expectations of men or limiting them in their own freak.

      Women also limit other women and label them. I hate that too. Mind ya business!

      Maybe if more people just minded their own business… especially in a world where the value of marriage is declining so all those “sex standards” are being diminished… we’d be better off!

      XOXO,
      FJ

  6. i think men are also afraid of being outperformed when another man is brought into the picture. the excuses may come in the form of doubt (i attribute to insecurity): “nah cuz he’ll mess up my fit” or the guilt trip: “what, now i don’t satisfy you?” until men actually tell, who knows lol who really knows…

    1. This is very true. Thing is, women have the SAME concerns about other women being in the bed.. but the men expect us to just deal with it.
      I’m fine if a man doesnt want to do a MFM if he will also agree not to ask his woman for a FMF or MFF. As I said, not every dude wants a 3some.

      But the large point is: Don’t ask for what you’re not willing to give.

  7. I was very blessed that my first serious relationship was with someone who was a freak…enjoyed being a freak…wanted his woman to be a freak…taught her how to be a freak…and applauded her being a freak.
    He was by no means my first lover, but he was the first one who allowed me to poke and explore and learn and become, while cumming.

    When I look back, I wonder HOW he understood who I was, and WHY he stuck around for so long, because I was pretty sexually sheltered then. Sure I would slob the knob, and had tried anal once prior to him, but otherwise I was a field mouse caught in the lion’s den.

    Ummm since then? Not so sheltered. I make no apologies for being a freak…I frequently refer to myself as a ho…and if you don’t like it bite me.

    A friend of mine has a story he tells, it would explain why he is my friend:

    He took a girl out one night, and in the conversations of the evening she said: I like sex, and things sexual but we can’t do any of that right away, I am the kind of girl you marry. His response? I am sorry to hear that because I plan to fuck the woman that I marry.

    What he meant was he had neither the time, nor the inclination, nor the patience to play the hard to get game. He wanted a woman who was serious about her business and knew what she wanted and was able to articulate that.

    We need more women like that and you Feminista….preach on…here’s some scrilla for the collection plate…off to share this on FB

    1. “He took a girl out one night, and in the conversations of the evening she said: I like sex, and things sexual but we can’t do any of that right away, I am the kind of girl you marry. His response? I am sorry to hear that because I plan to fuck the woman that I marry.”

      Men like this, with this mindset, are few and far between in my opinion.

      What’s his name?
      Is he still single?
      Tell him to holla at Feminista! LOL

  8. This has happened to me many times. Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve had no problem having FMF sessions as I’m bi & enjoy having my cake & eating it too. The moment I even SUGGEST a MFM session, I get side-eyed & called out my name. You had no problem when you were watching me & homegirl go at it but the minute “your” pussy is near another man, you stutter and get outraged. GTFOHWBS.

    1. Unfortunately this particular double-standard is widely held and almost considered perfectly acceptable by men, and by many women. A few people said to me that a FMF/MFF situation is a “threesome” but a MFM is a train. What? Huh? How is that…? See… I can’t even vibe with that. We’ll just have to agree to disagree. But you’re right. The average man is NOT cool with watching another man dick his girl down. It conjures up all kinds of insecurities, doubts, etc. that they don’t think we’re supposed to feel when we introduce another woman. I keep hearing “It’s not the same thing” and honestly, it isn’t.. at least not in our society. I guess I’m exhausted because as I get older, I’m coming to realize that things won’t ever really be equal for women when it comes to sexuality. If a woman wants to assert her sexual freedom, she pretty much has to do so understanding that she is risking a lot in terms of her reputation and credibility.

      It’s unfortunate, but true… and I think many women know this which is why they aren’t as open. I advocate for women to be open and honest about their experiences and desires, but I also recognize that it can hinder things when it comes to women seeking long-term, serious relationships.

      The entire thing just makes me ill.

  9. I’m one of those people that really doesn’t have any interest in a threesome (one is more than enough for me, especially at the sizes I prefer, lol). Even if I was interested, I know I have way too many hangups for dealing with more than one person, regardless of the number of Fs or Ms.

    I will say though, even though I know it’s a double standard, I would feel more comfortable with another woman compared to another man in the bed, admittedly for all the self-centered, insecure reasons listed

  10. I was at a swing party once, and during the unofficial “getting to know you” portion, the woman I went with and I were talking to some folks (mostly women in their late 30s/early 40s) as they trickled in to where we were.

    The conversation was very candid and very honest. Most of the women lamented on how tired they were of the dating scene. They were surprised at how much more honest and open swinging men were than the men they were dating. They also talked about how swinging made it so much more easier for them to have their sexual needs met vs. going through the rigmarole of meeting new people and filtering sex candidates via dating. And a lot also conceded that participating in swinging probably made them hoes in society’s eyes, but at that point they didn’t really care because they felt more in control of when and how they got sex than they did before they got into the lifestyle.

    But I digress. Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, what makes one a hoe is if s/he does her/his dirt in a blatant & carelessly promiscuous, unsafe and self-destructive manner, with a lack of self-respect. And, short of trains and bukake sessions, there are little to no specific acts that are strictly relegated to hoedom IMO. (And no, I don’t consider MFM 3somes to be synonymous with trains.)

      1. I’m saying that, IMO, trains and bukakes are hoeish sex acts. If a woman chooses to engage in those acts, that’s on her, but from my vantage point, I don’t see how it ISN’T hoeish behavior (based on the personal definition of hoe/hoeish that I gave in my post).

          1. IMO they’re hoeish due to the nature of the act.

            Being sprayed with cum by numerous males or getting screwed by a group of men in succession does not scream out “non-hoeish behavior”.

            But that’s just my take on it.

            1. I get that but I’m wondering what makes that more hoeish than, say, letting a dude splash off deep in your ass? Is it all good so long as its just one dude?

          2. IMO, acts between performed two people don’t fall under “hoe shit”; facials, anal sex, cum drinking…if it’s done between a couple, IMO it’s not hoe shit, nor does it make the male or the female involved a hoe. Comparing an act between a couple to an act involving a group of guys and one woman doesn’t make sense to me when trying to determine whether an act is hoeish or not.

            Now, the more people you add to the mix (especially as far as “group vs. one” activities go) coupled with the manner in which one goes about their business with these people as it relates to that person, the greater the possibility exists for that person’s actions to be deemed hoeish. So perhaps the number of men does factor into it. However, even in that regard, one can be promiscuous in a self-respecting, discreet and discriminate manner w/o truly delving into hoe shit IMO. (And I realized how subjective the terms “self-respecting”, “discreet” and “discriminate” can be.)

  11. This topic is as interesting as it is controversial. I think some of the double standards comes in because most men and women are not comfortable with who they are sexual. Those double standards come in when a woman or man can take you to a place sexually that you weren’t mentally prepared to go. Those double standards come into play because both sexes have put limitations and labels on sex that do not belong there. Case in point we us the word “ho or hoe.” What do these words actual mean… a HO is a metallic chemical element and a hoe is a gardening tool. Now on the other hand a whore is a person who gets paid for sex. So where did we get that from… In my opinion that came from someone who wasn’t ready or open sexually. And women do it to other women as well, how many times have you heard a woman say “you wouldn’t catch me doing that or she’s so nasty.” We all are at different levels in life don’t hate a person who can express themselves sexually without limitations. I am very sexually advance but I never use words like ho to describe myself, I very seldom use the work freak. I tell a men that I’m good at my craft. If he is slow on the draw I know he is not the man for me. I don’t believe we should show a man everything at first, why? He may not be worth all my tasty treats. Generally speaking, a woman who is sexually in tune with herself can tell if a man is sexually in tune with himself. If he is not keep it moving. The man I’m with now I knew from talking to him he was on my level and we work well together.

    1. “Generally speaking, a woman who is sexually in tune with herself can tell if a man is sexually in tune with himself. If he is not keep it moving. The man I’m with now I knew from talking to him he was on my level and we work well together.”

      FJ Approved.

  12. I totally understand this. I never relay all my sexual thoughts to someone from jump, not because I don’t want to be judged, but because i feel like that is all the man sees and forgets about the rest of me. I am really sexual, but it isn’t something that just comes out for everyone.

    I just hate that men really sit there and judge you for loving the things they love. It’s sad and bitch made.

  13. My partner suggested the idea of an open relationship or at least one MFM experience (with a friend or a NSA acquaintance). We had already discussed how my partner was “now comfortable” sharing her desire to be with a woman (emotionally & sexually) & also be with me. These admissions had come during a rocky period in our relationship where we had not been talking much nor having any physical intimacy (with sex or not).

    Admittedly, I was totally shocked to learn so much about my partner that I thought they would have just shared with me b/c we were “supposed” to be so close. They suggested a 3some as way to “do something different”, not that what we do is bad or boring, but it was just something different. My partner was embarrassed to be honest with me and it truly damaged the deep trust I had with them. I had a hard time dealing with the admission of wanting to have a MFM 3some when we weren’t having 1-1 sex ourselves. One could only imagine the certain level of insecurities i was having following that discussion.

    The truth is, I wasn’t surprised that my partner wanted a 3some. We were both very sexually active before we coupled-up – and we both have had sex with multiple people at once, but just not since we’ve been together. I was more upset at her b/c she had these feelings, but felt that she couldn’t discuss them with me. And then she waited until a “dry” point in our relationship to “throw the idea out there” as a way to “spice things up”.

    But like I mentioned, my total trust in full communication was broken. Knowing that I would go to my partner when I thought about something (no matter how small or minor) but to know they would hold on to thoughts/desires/fantasies and not share them with me was very painful. They were holding back from the relationship when there was no reason to. But the fact that they were holding back at all, feels like they aren’t as committed to me as I am to them.

    A few weeks later, I revisited the notion of open relationships & 3somes. My partner had been thinking about it too & felt we should shouldn’t do either b/c of the unknown possibility of “drama”.

    I’ve said all of this to highlight how important communication & honesty are extremely important. You can be freaky, but if your partner is willing to talk about it with you; you might have to consider other things.

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