June is Guest Blogger Month here at FeministaJones.Com . I solicited a few bloggers, writers, poets, etc to contribute posts lending their perspectives and experiences on feminism, race, mental health, sexuality, relationships, liberation, sex, and everything this blog is about. I hope you enjoy their contributions as much as I have. If you’re interested in being featured, please submit your pitches to email@example.com
“Honey, I need to tell you something. I met a woman. I slept with her and I want to keep seeing her.”
A wave of cold passed through me. For a second, my brain tried to untangle the words and make sense of what I was hearing. I had just returned from two months away from my family. I had lost my job four days ago. Maybe I was in shock.
“You know I told you that I was bisexual when we started dating. And you agreed that it was OK for me to have sex with other women.”
She did tell me this. I did agree to this, but I had to know about it first, not after the fact. Again, another wave of cold passes through me like someone pouring ice water over my heart. Thus began, a new chapter in my life.
When I first met my now wife, I noticed things… My wife would look at women just a little too long to simply be checking out her clothes. I caught a glimpse of her looking at the LGBT section at the bookstore. Then she came right out and told me that she was bisexual and she liked having sex with women. No emotional attachment…just sex. I appreciated her candor. We agreed that this wouldn’t be an issue so long as I saw the person and I said OK to it happening. I gave my OK the first time it happened. I was OK with it. I didn’t think about it after it happened.
Now I’m sitting here trying to absorb and process what I was hearing. Do I feel betrayed? Yes. I didn’t meet this person and I didn’t give my approval. I begin to find out my details and uncover some lies about how the events came to pass. The room is going dim and I feel this hot coil of anger unfolding in the pit of my stomach. Just breathe, man. Just. Breathe. Breathe. Keep calm. Try to process the meaning, not just the words.
“Why have you done this to me?”
“I did this for us. I need this to make me happy and complete, and if I’m happy it will improve our marriage and our sex life.”
Over the past three years our sex life had diminished both in its frequency and intensity. She would always chalk it up to the demands of family life, work and the curve balls life tends to throw at us. I would take it personally. I may have more gray in my beard but I feel like an 18 year old. Sex for me is a way to unwind, a physical expression of love and just plain fun. Now I’m hearing that she has been denying herself. One encounter with a woman five years ago and then a dry spell for her. Not that I’ve been denying her. She just hadn’t pursued anything.
It’s now a week since she revealed her new, but not unknown, desire to me. I still haven’t met the woman. I still am trying to piece together the new rules for my world in my head. I’m still hurting inside from the lies that surrounded her revealing the truth to me. All said, I’m working towards acceptance.
I still love my wife and that means truly embracing who she is and what she wants. I can no more demand that she give up who she truly is than she can make that demand from me. She tells me that this is strictly a “friends with benefits” relationship. While she may desire women physically, she doesn’t bond with them at the romantic level. I have to accept that as the truth unless it proves otherwise.
It’s not easy being in this situation, promises of future potential threesomes aside, because this new chapter in my life really requires a new level of trust and maturity on the part of both of us. We’ve agreed that before she meets with her new “friend” again then we need to establish “the rules” and I need to meet this person. Am I afraid? Yes, but I love my wife and that means that I need to allow her to be herself.
The author opted to remain anonymous, but can be followed on Twitter at @NYCGrits.