Ask Feminista: Hooked On My “First”

Dear Feminista,
I’m in this weird situation with this guy. I’m 20 & he’s 24. We’ve been conversing for almost 7 months now and he’s been giving me the run-around concerning his feelings about me. First, he’ll tell me things like he really likes me (he’s even said I love you, numerous times.) wants to be with me, misses me, etc and then the next minute, he’ll backtrack and say he doesn’t like me and he just wants to be friends. And he’s done this more than once. After he tells me he’s not interested in me romantically, we go without talking for a week or two and then he comes back like nothing ever happened and the same shit starts again. *sigh*
I know I’m crazy to even put up with it but I’ve gotten to a point to where I really care about him and I feel obligated to be there for him. I also made the “probably-not-so-smart” decision of losing my virginity to him 3 months ago, so I think that also contributes to part of it. Our relationship or lack thereof is somewhat long-distant, about an hour & 30 min away, so we don’t see each other on a regular basis. Up until recently, he was working a lot and I’m in college so our schedules didn’t always mix. He’s having a hard time right now with decisions about his career, being unemployed, 
and he also has issues with his mother, who had an affair and left him & his family when he was 10.
I honestly think these problems, especially the mommy ones, contribute to the way he deals with his life and our situation. I think he’s afraid of getting hurt or being abandoned and part of that is why I stay around. I want to be there for him, to be a listening ear, shoulder to cry on and all that good stuff but it’s hard when he’s pushing me away. I don’t want him to think I’m abandoning our friendship but the stress of what he’s doing is really starting to affect me, and I’m not sure if he’s oblivious to it or he just doesn’t give a fuck.  He just pulled the “let’s be friends” stunt again about a week ago and I finally told him (via phone call and text) how I felt…I expressed some pretty deep feelings to him, telling him that I felt I was falling for him and that I really cared for him and how it hurt me for him to keep going back and forth. I felt like that was a big mistake after the fact. He called me while I was still sending the texts and told me he would read them and get back to me. He didn’t. I heard from him a few days later but the conversation was short and he never mentioned the text at all… I didn’t really get a chance to ask about it either. That was about 4 days ago and I haven’t contacted him nor has he contacted me. 
I want to be a friend to him but my feelings for him are so strong. I don’t know if I can handle being just a strictly platonic friend to him right now. Should I just let it go completely? Or just give it a break for a while? Help. 
Hi! Thank you for reaching out and seeking advice on this issue. I hope you’re ready because I’m going to give it to you for real.
You’re 20 years old. That is WAY too young to even come close to absorbing anything this serious. You should not be worrying about the myriad of issues another VERY YOUNG person is having, despite the feelings you have for him. I won’t negate your feelings, as I’m sure they are very real to you. But in 10 years, trust me on this sweetheart, you’re going to look back on this and be like “WHAT THE ENTIRE HOLY FUCK WAS I THINK WASTING MY TIME ON THIS BULLSHIT?!?!?!?!?! OMFG WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME I WAS SO COMPLETELY CAUGHT UP IN SOME NONSENSE?!?!?!”
But, you won’t have to say that because EYE am telling you.
First thing you say: He’s been giving you the run around about his feelings for you. We can end it right there, quite frankly, but I’m gonna keep going. If he is giving you the run around, that means you’re chasing his tail. Why? Like… why? His back and forth, honestly, seems like he has a girl in his life and he’s having issues with her. He seems to be using you as a buffer. Maybe when things are low with them and he needs attention, he turns to you to distract him, but when things are good with them, he just wants to be friends.
You then say you feel obligated to “be there” for him. Well for one, relationships, romantic ones, are not about obligation. You’ve got something twisted there. You owe him nothing. You’re 20 damned years old. You don’t owe anybody anything other than your parents and the 100s of thousands of dollars they’ve spent on you, raising you to not chase the tail of a dude with a girlfriend.
Then, you explained the entire irrationality of this entire scenario by saying that he was the first one you slept with. That really is all I needed to read. You’re whipped. Dickmatized. Caught up. Chained to this man for the rest of your life by virtue of him being your “first”. Sucks that it happens for most women like that, but it is what it is. The average woman makes irrational emotional connections to the first man she fucks and that lingers entirely too long, especially if it doesn’t turn into a relationship.
From his POV, he has secured him a reliable homie lover friend that he can go to whenever there is a lull in his personal life and you will be there, without question. He might even be somewhat annoyed with you if you’re exhibiting any of the clinginess that I’m reading in this letter. Dudes can react like that sometimes which is why many avoid fucking virgins; they don’t wanna end up hating you for you being “Extra”.
Girl listen… this is not where you need to be right now in your life. You have SO many other things to think about. I understand you feel vulnerable because you slept with him and you truly have feelings for him, but baby…. he ain’t thinking about you. That’s real talk. I’m 75% certain there is another woman in his life. He might use his mommy issues and others things as excuses, but he will pillage the pussy any chance you give him.
Walk away. Now. While you still have some remnants of dignity.
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