I’m tired of this question!!
Many attractive, intelligent, successful single women are often asked the dreaded, “Why the hell are YOU single?” coupled with awkward comments about things that are considered important when it comes to being “chosen” (nice figure, great smile, solid conversationalist, ability to cook, and love of freaknasty sex). There is no consideration ever given that maybe the woman chooses to be single. Like, why would a woman EVER want to be alone, right? How can she exist in this world without being attached to a man, right? Right?? We continue to define adult women’s value not by their accomplishments or impact on the world, but by their relationship statuses and that remains problematic. Terribly problematic.
There are a lot of reasons why a woman might be single. She might simply choose to be at that point in her life. She might want to be in a relationship, but finds it hard to find someone compatible. She might want to be connected but finds that her life currently doesn’t allow her room to do so. Maybe she is just a bitch nobody wants.
Or maybe…there’s some other issue at hand, one that involves her being deemed unattractive as a partner because she is “all that”.
I read once that being “pretty” and super smart is a turn off for many men too because those women are perceived as having too many options, which make them flight risks. The “complete package”, then, faces unique challenges in getting connected with the right man. In this piece, “Why Do Smart Men Date Less Intelligent Women?”, the rationale was pointed out as such:
“Less intelligent women have more leisure time because they aren’t financially rewarded for staying in school or working long hours, …and they seek out a smart partner as a means of “economic advancement.” … Dumb chicks have both greater opportunities and greater incentives to try harder to date smart men than smart women do.”
“Successful men date less successful women not because they want “women to be dumb” but rather because they want “someone who prioritizes their life in a way that’s compatible with how you prioritize yours.”"
The man cited in that piece, John Carney, elaborated more in his own piece, suggesting that a woman of lesser knowledge makes a man feel smarter and thus more manly and more in control of the relationship:
“Less intelligent women have more opportunities to marry because of their ability to attract higher IQ men and the willingness of both sexes to allow for this intelligence gap in relationships. Less intelligent men have less opportunities to marry, either because intelligent women are unwilling to “marry down” or because the men don’t want to “marry up.””
Regarding smarter women having more options:
“Intelligent people have a “call option” on their relationships. They can exit a dating relationship or a marriage in favor of concentrating on their careers. They do not necessarily need another person in their lives in order to climb the socio-economic ladder…When it comes to men dating women, this means that intelligent women need to be discounted for their inherent call option. Less intelligent women—for whom the economy provides less opportunity—don’t have the call option built in and so they don’t need to be discounted.”
This becomes about ego, then, or some men simply being afraid that a woman who has it “all” will inevitably leave because she will always have several options and ways out. A woman with fewer perceived options is less likely to leave and more likely to remain loyal, available, and accepting of his version of manhood within the relationship.
Oh but there’s more to this…
A paper published last year [see above link] in the Journal of Political Economy actually tried to quantify the trade-off that husbands make between beauty and brains when choosing a mate. Using longitudinal survey data on married American couples, it found that women can compensate for two additional units of body mass index with one more year of education. In other words, it’s all right for women to be a little heavier if they’re also a little more educated, or a little less educated if they’re also a little skinnier. (Source)
So basically a heavier woman has to be smarter to be considered acceptable as a mate and a less intelligent woman has to be “pretty”? Of course we know that “pretty” is almost always defined in ways that include weight distribution, so in this case “pretty” is opposite of overweight. Basically, women have to be one or the other.
You can’t be fat and dumb, and you can’t be smart and pretty. You have to be one or the other to get “chosen”.
I’ve spoken about how I received WAY more male attention 150+ lbs ago. I also made less money and had one less degree than I do now (and I’m working on another at the moment). I began to realize that men showed me “love” because 1. they thought me desperate as a fat chi and 2. they probably didn’t feel threatened by the idea of me leaving because (see #1). Oddly enough, I ended about 95% of the interactions I’d had with men when I weighed in the high 300s/low 400s. I got tired of them. They were all often caught off guard, and I know why now; my fat ass wasn’t supposed to leave.
Well see now… I guess if I wanna find a man, I should either stop working so hard and making the money I do, or I should “let myself go” and avoid putting effort into looking good. I’ll definitely stop cooking and I’m never sucking dick in the backseat of a cab again!
Problem solved! Next up: Engagement ring!