I came across this blog in the Washington Post, which gives an opinion on parenting and sexual activity, specifically threesomes. Once again, I feel compelled to address this idea of the duality of motherhood and sexuality.

In the piece, the author decides to “raise an issue that vexes many parents these days: What to do about past indiscretions once we take on the role of a parent? Many of us become somewhat more upstanding after we have children and take on more financial and emotional responsibilities. Do we really want to be reminded of the past partying? More troubling, do want our kids to one day learn of these portions of our past?”

This is in response to the discovery that Pamela Druckerman, a mother writing about parenting, once wrote about giving her husband a threesome for his 40th birthday.  I was particularly bothered by the author’s assessment of Druckerman’s threesome article: “It culminates in a paragraph that would make anyone viewing it in their own rearview mirror — let alone a writer who is now selling a parenting book — wince”.

Why would or should a parent feel compelled to wince upon reflection of one’s past sexual behavior in any way related to parental status? Sure, we all have some regrets of things we’ve done, but should they be connected to now being parents? I don’t think so. Why is the idea of our children finding these things out “troubling”?

See… this is why I continue to blog and reach out to people. There is still a huge shameful stigma on sex that leads people to believe that something like becoming a parent means you should feel some sort of embarrassment or shame for past sexual indulgences. Why? Don’t most people have to fuck to become parents?

I wrote about being a mother and having a vibrant sex life and strong sexual desires. I wrote, “I am a mother who happens to be sexually liberated. I don’t believe that once you become a mother, you are supposed to hang up your sexual desires and give up a life that includes pleasure. I don’t believe that mothers should deny their freak. I don’t believe that being a mother and being freaknasty are mutually exclusive. I don’t subscribe to any of these notions of motherhood that require I live a chaste, pious life.” 

And this, of course, includes threesomes.  I would no sooner say, “Hey son, Mommy is going to go have a threesome with a sexy man and woman tonight. Be sure to eat your veggies and brush your teeth before bed!” than I would tell him about ANY sexual activity I am about to engage in. That’s not necessarily information I think I need to volunteer on a regular basis. I am, after all, his parent, and there are some boundaries in the information-sharing.

The author goes on to ask: Is the answer to try to cleanse the record as best we can, or to turn to our children at some point, throw up our hands and say c’est la vie? Have your children ever discovered something embarrassing from your pre-parenting days? What did you do? What would you do if they did?

I’m not cleansing anything. In this age of online documentation, I’m sure when my son gets older, he can research my writing and read my views on these things. He might even discover some of my “confessions” about things I’ve done. I can only hope that by that time, I’ve ingrained in him a liberal enough view of sexuality and life in general that he doesn’t spazz out beyond the normal “Eww that’s my mom. Gross” sentiment that all children have. My past isn’t embarrassing to me. I made choices, most of them really good ones. I stand by what I’ve done and what I’ve said. If he ever comes to me with questions, I plan to answer them as honestly and openly as possible. That’s the best way to keep the lines of communication open with him so that when he has questions or concerns about his own sexuality and behavior, he can feel comfortable coming to me directly. Again, I don’t feel I need to volunteer the details when he hasn’t asked questions. I do, however, feel that I can be honest and open in a way that still maintains the parent/child structure and doesn’t make him feel that he can’t talk to me plainly.

Every one has a different view of parenting, parents and not-yet parents alike. People often like to make judgments about what is good and bad parenting; it is human nature. What I am tired of is the perpetual idea that parenthood = sainthood and once you become a parent, all of the other parts of you turn off. I love my son with everything that exists in me but… being a mother isn’t my sole defining existence. Parental chastity isn’t in the least bit appealing to me.

I love to fuck entirely too much for that.

XOXO,

FJ