On Motherhood…

I am a mother.

I’m not sure how often I mention that on this blog, but I am. I wholeheartedly enjoy being mother to a beautiful boy whose birthday is today :)

I began to reflect on this idea of motherhood from various standpoints. Feminism, sexuality, motherhood… three constructs that have an interesting interconnection. Follow me as my thoughts spill out.

A few weeks ago, I found myself being “attacked” on Twitter by a few anonymous accounts. The focus of the attacks was on my motherhood. I was being questioned and challenges based on how much time I spend with him, what kinds of foods he eats, my being on Twitter when I should be playing with him, etc. There was the suggestion that I was doing my son a disservice by being his mother because of how openly I express my thoughts about sexuality and relationships and the like. It was even said that I don’t deserve to have my son because I’m basically a Twitter ho.

Interesting.

Because, you know, babies are made by fucking…so.. there has to be SOME sex happening in a woman’s life (for the most part) for a baby to be made. I say for the most part because I acknowledge other forms of insemination and I give mad love to the foster/adoptive mothers out there. But for the most part, don’t most mothers become mothers because they were doing some freaknasty shit with some dude at some point? Am I mistaken? Because if I am….let me know.

I was taken aback, admittedly, by someone daring to suggest that because I have sex, enjoy sex, and enjoy talking about it openly… because I occasionally post pictures of my gorgeous breasts and flirt with men and women online… because I curse a lot and tweet deliciously vulgar sex topics, that I don’t deserve to be a mother or that my son deserves better than me.

As a feminist, it disgusts me that women continue to be boxed into such limiting cages with regard to who or what they are allowed to be. Why do we continue to let patriarchy dictate how we view and think of ourselves?  As a woman, I was disgusted by the compartmentalization of my womanhood as being either/or rather than both/and. Can we not exist in the duality of our womanhood? As a mother, I was hurt by the suggestion that I’m not good enough for my son, because I am. I damned sure am.

I had a conversation a couple of days ago with a friend over drinks about my openness. I explained that I was raised by an extremely liberal mother who exposed me to a lot of “free love”-type behaviors earlier on. She had the sex talks with me very early and introduced me to people of all types of sexually liberating backgrounds. I met people who were unafraid of who they were early on and that definitely shaped my views on many things. I thank her for that gift because without it, I might have ended up someone who creates anonymous accounts to attack a free woman I secretly envy. I plan to build that same time of relationship with my son and expose him to similar environments and people.

A few months ago, my Tumblr account was inundated with anonymous messages attacking my decision to have weight loss surgery, and in those attacks were comments on my motherhood. People critiqued how I feed my child, how I interact with him, the fact that I have him on weekends instead of every day, etc. Isn’t it interesting how people can be so hateful, judging, and condemning having not lived a single day in your shoes? It made me think about the fact that so many people still exist withing the very narrow confines of what is socially acceptable and tolerated, rather than challenging themselves to think and live outside of those boxes.

Yeah, it hurt. I’m a sensitive person, and while I know that is the goal of people who behave that way so I shouldn’t give into it, it still hurt.

I am a woman who happens to be a mother. I am a woman who happens to enjoy sex. I am a woman who happens to champion women’s rights and freedoms and believes that women have the right to make their own decisions regarding their lives. I don’t believe that being a mother makes me more of a woman or a “Real Woman”. I don’t believe that being a mother is the best thing that can happen to a woman. I don’t believe that every woman should experience motherhood in order to have her womanhood solidified or her femininity confirmed.

I am a mother who happens to be sexually liberated. I don’t believe that once you become a mother, you are supposed to hang up your sexual desires and give up a life that includes pleasure. I don’t believe that mothers should deny their freak. I don’t believe that being a mother and being freaknasty are mutually exclusive. I don’t subscribe to any of these notions of motherhood that require I live a chaste, pious life.

I’m not about that life in any way, shape, or form.

I believe  we have to work towards getting to a place of general acceptance. We have to stop judging people’s worth based on what WE think are negative attributes. What’s negative to you might be positive to someone else. Who are you or I to judge or condemn? No one but people with opinions. How dare any of us go out of our way to make anyone feel less than or worthless because those people don’t fit OUR opinions of how things should be? That is not only unfair, it’s stupid, limiting, and pointless.

I love being a mother, in every way that I am a mother, even if it doesn’t fit “standard” ideas of motherhood. My son loves me. I love my son. That, my friends, is all that matters in the end.

Happy Birthday, G.

Peace,

FJ

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9 Responses to “On Motherhood…”

  1. I love this post! I really do! I do wonder why women especially mothers act as if the moment we become mothers, we cease to exist as sexual beings. Like you said the path to motherhood for most is because we were in fact having sex. Sexuality is healthy and natural and to act otherwise is just wrong and as mothers we should model health sexuality for our kids.

    Great piece!

  2. Eve says:

    Damn right. Fuck them haters.
    Party like a rock star, fuck like a porn star, and shoot to the sky like a rocket!

  3. doublenic says:

    OMG! First let me say I am shocked by the attacks on you for your choices. I hate when people push their beliefs on others. I truly understand the double standard. Being a single mom and happy with that has led to many questioning me. I live my life and enjoy it. Did I lose my sexiness? No. I will continue to be me. Keep your head up and keep doing you. At the end of the day all that matters is that you and G are happy.

  4. Alovelydai says:

    Not that it matters (b/c f*ck assholes) but I’m sure you have more people appreciative of your world views than those who reject you for being you. I for one love your openness and applaud you for showing most of who you are. There’s nothing more dangerous than a close minded, judgmental person. Nothing.

    The part that bothers me the most are those who think something is wrong with G living with his Dad. That’s his f*cking DAD!!!! Is there a more beautiful way to grow a young man than to have his Dad be his primary care giver?

    Keep sharing, loving, f*cking, mothering, eating, weight lifting, ranting, offering great music, etc!

  5. Zerejahi says:

    As a logical, concise male, I want to say that even when I disagree with you (which is not often at all) – Iam so glad that you exist have made the choice to communicate with the masses so openly. I think many of us live quiet, unarticulated lives where our most valuable thoughts go silently into the reflections in our minds. I have a litmus test on friendship that succinctly put is “if you cannot say what you mean, then I have no time for you”. In other words, I actively look for friends like you and the rest can honestly just leave me alone. Thanks for sharing your musings and for being YOU!

  6. VegasSeven says:

    There are always going to be people uncomfortable with themselves, rude and jealous of the great way you live your life and the decisions you have made. Consider it a previlage that you have created such an impact online that you have irked the people who disagree with you!!!!! And never change yourself because of their weak and ignorant minds!!! It’s the people you touch, influence and help that matter– not them.

  7. […] wrote about being a mother and having a vibrant sex life and strong sexual desires. I wrote, “I am a mother who happens to be sexually liberated. I […]

  8. 3RoseScott says:

    See, I’m a mom and I refuse to even bring that side of me, or post pictures of my children, on twitter because I’ve seen how ruthless some people are. It’s usually women with no children always saying what makes someone a good Parent and I refuse to allow some childless immature person to question my parenting skills.

  9. […] I know that’s the “go-to” argument for many of you. You don’t want me to AGAIN go into the control many of you think you have over the lives of mothers, now do […]

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