I already know that, by giving this piece the title I selected, most folks will react before reading. Such is the nature of this “140 Era” in which we live, I guess. If you’ve made it this far, allow me to explain my point of view.
I will say it again: Feminists don’t get “dickmatized”.
What does it mean to be “dickmatized”? For simplification, it is the idea that someone has sex with a person with a penis and becomes totally strung out and caught up in that person because the sex was so good. The dick was SO good, that the person is fiending, losing their minds, and in other ways growing addicted to being around that person. The person is “sprung”, as we say in the streets, and can’t stop craving that person(‘s sex). The dick makes you keep going back for more because it’s just SO amazing, that you can’t walk away from it, despite the millions of other free dicks ready, willing, and available to handle business. (To be fair, the complementary term would be “pussy whipped”, usually used to describe men who act these ways when having sex with cisgender women.)
I call bullshit.
It is anti-feminist to even remotely agree that such a thing could happen because doing so accepts that a penis wields such a controlling power over a woman’s intellect and sensibilities that she cannot control her cravings, responses, reactions, and interactions with the person to whom the penis is attached. It accepts the long-standing idea that the penis is a weapon that can control women’s actions, one that has long caused incredibly violent harm to women, men, and children the world over. It accepts the idea that men’s power is in their penises and that women can be moved to act against their own best interests simply because they came in contact with a piece flesh.
Again, I call bullshit. This isn’t possible. Feminists, theoretically, don’t believe this nor would one ever willingly accept that women are so much controlled not just by penis, but by any sexual activity, that they simply cannot control their impulses, actions, thoughts, etc. when they are around men who fucked them/ate them/ kissed them/sucked them well.
Image by trophygeek via Flickr
Instead, I think we struggle with reconciling the established social mandates that dictate how we’re supposed to behave sexually, as women, and with wanting to avoid being thought of as weak or stupid for our poorer or unhealthy choices that involve engaging men in intimate ways. We know that women are complex; there’s no one way to be a woman. We have very real, unique feelings and experiences that shape our individual womanhood and, unfortunately, many of us find our identities as women shaped by very narrow socialized ideas we can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard we pump our feminist fists.
What I believe is actually happening, in many cases, is that we may default to blaming the “dick” for our behaviors because we struggle to admit that we have developed feelings or an intimate connection to someone we know we probably shouldn’t or at a time when developing such a connection doesn’t really work for our lives at this point.
- Maybe it was a one-night stand in which the rules were established that, if it goes on, it’s just going to be sex but… feelings have developed over time (or maybe 5 or 6 times). You’re afraid that if you admit it to him, you might lose out on the intimate connection and time spent. You’re afraid that if you admit it to your friends, they’ll call you stupid. You’re afraid that if you admit it to yourself, you’ll end up “blocking your blessings”, as they say, or closing yourself off from connecting with someone more likely to give you the relationship you really want.
- Maybe it is someone else’s partner and you know there is no chance for you to have the kind of relationship you want, but now you have feelings and don’t want to stop seeing him, so you blame the “dick”. This could be in a poly, open, or creep situation, doesn’t matter. You just know that you cannot “have” him, and you’re not willing to walk away because despite what everyone says is the “right thing to do”, you’re just going with what works for you right now, judgments be damned. Still, it’s not socially acceptable to behave this way, so you blame it on the dick and claim you were “dickmatized” to explain your behaviors.
- Maybe it’s an ex-partner you can’t quite get over, but you don’t feel comfortable admitting it because you’re supposed to be putting up a brave, “I’m over it!” front, yet you know that we’re engaging in sexual activity as a way to stay connected. We say we’re “dickmatized” to explain why we can’t leave him alone, but are we really? With all of the free, plentiful dick that is thrown our way, are you holding onto the dick or rationalizing holding onto the man?
- Maybe you convinced yourself that you could manage a “it’s just sex” connection but because he has been saying and doing things that seem to go beyond sex, you’ve allowed yourself to believe actions speak louder than words and you get caught up. And when he sticks to his “Nah” when you ask if there is more, you’re embarrassed for letting yourself get caught up, so you rationalize it and blame the “dick”. You would rather give that power to a piece of flesh than own your unrequited feelings.
- Maybe he’s a complete asshole and you know good and damned well you shouldn’t be within 100 feet of his trifling ass, but…you can’t help how good we feel after we have sex (which is probably amazing because that’s what assholes do–they fuck amazing!) and he pulls us in close, whispers “I missed you” in your ear, and before you leave, gives you a gift he picked up because he “was just thinking about” you. He was thinking about securing that next session, but you read it as him actually caring about you and building something, so…you go along with it.
There are so many reasons we find ourselves developing feelings or intimate connections to people and I think we need to be more honest about them. You’re a human being and feelings are human responses that most people have, barring any disorders and what not. We have to think about how external factors play into how we accept or reject these feelings for what they are. It doesn’t help anyone if you find yourself falling for someone who has made it clear they have no intention of returning the feeling. It can be quite embarrassing and you might develop a deep shame for being so reckless. Why? Society will likely blame you for even having sex with the man– what did you think was going to happen, amirite?
It often goes back to shaming women for enjoying sex on their own terms, so many times, we hide our true feelings and posture in ways that will avoid societal backlash. We don’t want to be seen as women who succumb to feelings for men that we know we shouldn’t have in any sense of the word, so we rely on blaming flesh: the dick. It is more acceptable to blame the dick because society upholds that power men wield in their penises, so claiming to be “dickmatized” is something people with understand and accept because they, too, believe penises to be that powerful.
I reject this, as a sex-positive feminist woman seeking liberation through living and fucking on my own terms… and so should you.
We must stop giving our power over to “dick”. The average dick is 3.6 inches— I really want us to think long and hard about why we so easily accept the idea that such an appendage could contain so much power over our entire beings as women. Think about when you first came to believe such nonsense was even true. Who taught you this? How did it come up? Who are the people in your life who maintain this idea that dick is that powerful?
It’s time to accept our vulnerability, however it manifests. It’s time to accept that for all of the work we do to decolonize our minds and unlearn the patriarchy, it’s difficult to be fully invested in developing our own womanhood when so many people are waiting to ridicule you for EVERY little thing. It’s OK to be sensitive. It’s OK to make really stupid decisions. It’s OK to admit that this situation makes no logical sense and might end up being totally bad for me, but I’m just not ready to let it go. It’s OK to want more and to even wait for it as you prepare for the inevitable disappointment and pain it will cause. It’s OK to choose not to tell your friend about what you did with him because you just don’t want to hear her tell you how much of a fool you are.
It’s OK to own every imperfect thought, feeling, and action that you might have related to your involvement with a man and I encourage you to do so because it is certainly better than upholding the violent, patriarchal narrative that a penis is such a powerful sword that makes women fall weak to men’s control.
We’re better than that, y’all.