“So men can’t talk to women on the street anymore? How are people supposed to meet and get married?”
“What’s wrong with wanting to see a woman smile if she looks upset?”
“We can’t compliment women anymore?”
“What’s wrong with ‘God bless you’? That’s a problem now??”
“Aren’t men supposed to acknowledge when a woman is attractive?”
“Courting is a natural part of evolution. Men are hard-wired to pursue women.”
“My dad hollered at my mom on the street and they’ve been married for 35 years!”
“Men talking to women, in the eyes of feminists, its sexual harassment, in the eyes of someone with common sense, it called being social”+
Men, I hear you.
I finally hear and understand your issues! I’ve been so blind until now and I realize that it isn’t that you support the sexual harassment of women on the street, at work, on public transportation, in their cars, in front of their children, at church, or at 7-Eleven, you just want to make sure that the human race can continue through reproduction that can only take place if men have permission to approach strange women on the street!!
Got it!! So I have an idea and I think you’ll agree with me on this one. This is truly for the betterment of society, so work with me on this.
I think we should begin a campaign to teach fathers how to properly prepare their daughters to engage men on the street. If we’re being real, dads are the best examples for what a daughter should look for in a man. According to the men who are likely to say the things above, women really should do better when it comes to appreciating men’s efforts to make sure humanity doesn’t end.
So I’m proposing an educational series that prepares girls for real womanhood by teaching the best practices for engaging men on the streets. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t think about this sooner!
Pre-K and Kindergarten: Lesson 1 “Smiling Makes Men’s Days Better”
In a recent discussion on the hashtag #FirstHarassed, more women shared being sexually harassed as early as 5-years-old. No better age than to begin to teach your daughters why it is important that they smile when they are out in public, right? Why set her up for “harassment” when, if she would just smile, everything would be so much nicer?
First, it makes a man’s day better. I’ve often been told that by not smiling, I was ruining the man’s day. What father wants his daughter to be the evil woman who ruins a man’s day??!
Second, smiling invites men to engage in flirting because, according to some men, the only way men know that a woman is interested is when she smiles. Sure, she may be smiling at a fond memory or because her favorite song came on her mp3 player, totally not even noticing him, but a man needs to see a smile first so he is 150% sure she is clearly inviting him into her space. She has on shades, a headset, and her back turned, but if she looks to the side and he sees half of the smile, BOOYAH!!! Your daughter is doing her part to keep humanity going.
Finally, By teaching your 5-year-old daughter to smile at every man she encounters on the street, she will then avoid the men who will feel the need to demand a smile** from her when they walk by if she’s not doing so. You’re giving her a 5-year head start. It’s like putting a basketball in her hand, except there’s no scholarship for catering to the attention of strange men. (Not yet, anyway)
5th and 6th Grades: Lesson 2 “Being Grateful Never Hurt Nobody”
Now as your daughters reach puberty and begin growing and transitioning into “womanhood”*, it is important to teach her one of the most valuable lessons ever a father could teach: ALWAYS be grateful for the attention men give you.
Men often complain that women aren’t appreciative and don’t say “Thank You” enough. They may be onto something, if we’re keeping it 100.
Let’s be real: if she had just said “Thank you”, she wouldn’t have gotten her ass beat, right guys? Where was her father to raise her up right? The last thing you want is for your daughter to grow up to be a bitch, right?
Obviously, this ungrateful woman didn’t spell the words “thank” and “you” in a way that was sufficient, so be sure to teach your daughters to say 100 “Thank you”s every time a man whispers “Damn bitch you fine” or “Gimme some of that” in her ear as she walks to middle school.
Note: This is about the age when your daughter becomes prime pickings for your fellow comrades, so you want to make sure that you’re looking out for them. They love girls just coming into puberty and they show their love quite often, in fact. They might even show early devotion by camping out around her school or where they know she and her friends hang out.
Can never really be too early, right?***
Gotta get em when they’re young, so as a father, your job is to make sure your daughter already knows, by age 12, that she should smile at every man (especially those your age or older) and say “Thank you” whenever they compliment how cute she looks in her school uniform or how her budding breasts had them thinking she was older, but they “like em young” so they prefer her at the age she is.
High School: Lesson 3 “Don’t Block Your Blessings: Your Husband Might Be the Man Who Followed You For 4 Blocks”
You need to teach your daughter that if she wants to find a man, she needs to stop ignoring the men on the street. If you watch the video below, clearly this man was husband-material, but this stuck up woman wouldn’t give him any attention. How does she expect to find a good man if she won’t even talk to the ones who are this persistent? Just look like the guy at :54. Look at all he has to offer!
Before your daughter goes off to college, dads, you need to have “The Talk”.
“The Talk” includes teaching her that how she dresses is almost like a public service alert announcing to her potential husbands that she is single and ready to mingle. Here’s a guide:
Skirt below the knees = “Follow me for 3 blocks”
Skirt above the knees = “Follow me for 4 blocks”
Miniskirt = “Follow me until I get home/ to class”
Sweater = “Call me baby at least 3 times”
Turtleneck = “Tell me I’m sexy no less than 5 times”
Tank Top = “Make it very clear that you want me to ride your dick, and yell it SO LOUD”
“The Talk” should also include reminders from earlier lessons that she should smile at every single man she encounters, always say “Thank you” to every comment aimed her way, be it “God bless you, mami, oooh you look so good” or “You make my dick hard”, and round it out with a trip to the mall to buy her the best clothes to wear to attract her future husband who, as you know, will be a strange man she encounters on the street.
If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me. I can do in-home consultations and if you and some other dads want to pool your resources, I can come and give technical assistance so that you can raise your daughters to do their part in perpetuating humanity by accepting that men are not dogs, but rather acting on their biological need to reproduce.
+ Real comments made in response to talks about street harassment
* “Womanhood” isn’t this simply defined, but you muthafuckas ain’t really bright enough to get that yet.
***Most women are catcalled or experience some form of street harassment for the first time before they turn 17 years old. We knew this, but now there is research and data to support the personal stories many women have been sharing for years. On July 7, 2014, we had a Twitter chat during which many women said that their first experiences with street harassment began between ages 10 and 12.