Editor’s Note: After two years and several insults and death threats, I figured I should add context to this post. I wrote this blog as a hyperbolic response to ridiculous demands, requirements, and statements about women’s body parts and how their parts correlated to their worth and value. Unfortunately, this post has been shared in places without proper context (support groups for men with small penises and such) and it has drawn the ire of men around the globe. Ahh well.
There are sets of rules for various types of people in the world. This set is for those men who were cursed to roam the earth with small penises.
You ask: “But Feminista, what is considered ‘small’? Isn’t size relative?“
Yes, of course size is relative and I’m writing about it from the perspective of a woman who was once an admitted size queen. Your views may vary. Deal with it. For the purposes of this blog, however, a ‘small’ penis is anything under 6 inches. I’m including the 6 inchers because some of you ladies seem to prefer to not have your walls deconstructed and/or rearranged on the regular. I’ll give you that.
Without further ado…
Rules To Live By…If You Have A Small Penis
Rule #1: Men with small penises should keep them in their pants.
Why are you really wasting anyone’s time with a 4-inch dick? There is nothing you can do for anyone who is not a 4’10 Asian girl named Ming Lee who can’t speak English well enough to say “What the fuck is that???”
Rule #2: Men with small penises should not drive big cars.
It is a dead give away that your dick is small. Especially if you are a short man. A short ass man + Big ass Avalanche = Little Dick. Overcompensation much?
Rule #3: Men with small penises should not drive nice cars (or have nice homes, or good jobs).
It is false advertisement. You’re gassing women up thinking you are all about that good good and you convey nice taste. Then, if you’re attractive and can string along more than 3 coherent sentences at a time, she thinks she hit the jackpot…. until she unzips your pants. Don’t do that men. That’s not funny or fair. It’s totally fucked up. You KNEW your dick was a disappointment. Why man? Ladies (and my gay brethren), you know there is NO disappointment like being in the heat of the moment and unzipping the pants (maybe even with your teeth) only to find you’re still looking for it… you casually pull away the unzipped fabric only to find you need to also peel back whatever underwear he is wearing. And then… you’re still looking. If the dick isn’t visible by then… RETREAT RETREAT RETREAT!!!! Man down!!! Man down!!!
Rule #4: Men with small penises should wear white “S”s.
I am not against reducing confusion and minimizing disappointment and subsequent feelings of rejection by simply forcing all men whose penises are smaller than 6 inches to wear big, white “S”s sewn into every article of clothing that will be worn across their chests.
Rule #5: Men with small penises should never complain.
You woman doesn’t cook? Maybe if you were able to fuck her right, she’d cook you a decent meal. Your woman won’t suck your dick? Why floss twice?? Your woman talks shit and never lets you talk? Well… how exactly DO you respond when she ends every sentence with “…with your vienna sausage dick-having ass!!!”? Your woman doesn’t do laundry? She doesn’t want to be reminded of your dick size with your miniature draws. Your woman doesn’t clean the house? You ain’t got shit else to do, so you do it. Not like you have time allotted for masturbating or anything.
Rule #6: Men with small penises should not ask for head.
How you complain about how your woman “does nothing” but then ask her to “do nothing”? Stop it. What the fuck is she going to slob on man???
Rule #7: Men with small penises should be forced to register as sex offenders.
Yes, muthafuckas, we are OFFENDED by you trying to pass those mini-weiners off as REAL DICKS and by you trying to molest us with those q-tips. Go hump a hydrant or a tree. You’re just going to jizz on your own nuts anyway. These men should be forced to register on ever social networking site and every local precinct as being men with small dicks who are Level 3 (most likely to re-offend).
Rule #8: Men with small penises should NEVER try to kick it to a woman with a big round ass.
Really… who are you fooling? Certainly not us. You can’t even poke your dick out of your own pants nor distinguish it from your nuts, so how are you getting behind a woman with a big ass and call yourself doing something? I’ll wait… In the meantime, find a belly button to poke.
Rule #9: Men with small penises should always carry Wet Ones or some kind of baby wipes.
All that dribbling you do on ya nuts throughout the day will linger in ya draws. After every piss, please wipe off your dick and balls properly.
Rule #10: Men with small penises should never sit with their legs spread open.
Reason #1: You’re confusing yourself with the men who have big penises and have no choice but to sit that way. You’re also confusing us. Stop that.
Reason #2: All that air traveling all up in the space where your penis should be will lead to excessive dick gas. Yes, dick gas. Don’t know what it is? Ask a man with a small dick.
Rule #11: Men with small penises should never use Viagra or Cialis or anything like that.
Come on. What the fuck for? Being hard for 4 hours would feel like having an over-sized splinter poking your nuts for the duration. Besides, ain’t nobody trying to fuck you anyway. Stop it.
Rule #12: Men with small penises should pee sitting down.
Stop fucking up every toilet seat you come across! You even lift the seat up and still manage to piss all on the bottom part.
Rule #13: Men with small penises should only be allowed to check out in Express lanes at the grocery store.
We know it takes you longer to check out your groceries than it does to nut all over your own ball sack. We just need better ways to identify you. If we see you with more than 15 items in the Express lane, we’ll know to leave you and your lonely ass groceries the fuck alone.
Rule #14: Men with small penises should NEVER ask “Whose pussy is this?”
You can’t be serious. You really think you are ever going to own/possess any pussy with that? Listen, you’re perpetually renting/borrowing pussy. Don’t ever think that your woman is only fucking you. She is NOT. She got her main dick source, probably named Tyrone, Juan, Brent, or Mao somewhere DICKING HER DOWN. The pussy is his, not yours. Ever. Don’t ever let yourself get comfortable in thinking that any pussy belongs to you. Nope.
Rule #15: Men with small penises should not be offended by discussions about men with small penises
You should have developed a thick enough skin by now from all of those uproarious laughter-filled responses once you’ve zipped down your pants to not be offended by anything like this.
Do you have any rules?
Thank you to my followers who gave me some of these ideas! <3