What Now?

I’m at a crossroads.

I have poured many of my thoughts into this blog, my personal convictions and such. I offer strangers advice because I want to help them. I share my recipes because I love cooking and want to help those struggling in the kitchen. I weigh in on women’s issues because I’m a woman with strong opinions about things. I have unique views about what it means to be a woman, especially a woman in relationships and a woman having sex. I just wanted a platform to get my thoughts out.

However, with the increasing “popularity” of the blog and with the more followers I get on Twitter, I’m finding that I’m opening myself up to negativity that I don’t feel I should have to deal with. It is one thing for people to disagree with my thoughts and views. It is another for people to anonymously insult and attack me, on personal levels, because they don’t like me or what I have to say. This is supposed to be my outlet, the place where I can be myself and have my own little corner of the world, but… people have been consistently invading it, anonymously, taking issue with everything and it sucks.

I’m sensitive. I don’t try to act like the whole IDGAF movement of young, emotionally-disconnected folks who grew up without adequate parental love and guidance. I actually have feelings that I embrace and acknowledge. It’s hard when people call me a slut or a whore or a bitch or whatever derogatory phrase they want to come up with because they don’t like what I say or represent. It’s hard when people wish for bad things to happen to me because I make humorous posts about men with small dicks. I mean, I was just joking around. Damn! It’s hard when people threaten to fight me because they think their men are trying to fuck me on the low (yes, this has happened). It’s hard when people attack my friends or are shady towards them because they’re associated with me. It’s hard when my friends feel the burden of being associated with me because of what people say about me. It’s hard when people say I’m doing feminism a disservice or giving it a bad name. It’s hard when people call me ugly or try to insult my weight, or my weight loss, or any other part of my physical nature (which happens weekly, at least). It’s hard when people attack me as a mother and tell me my child deserves a better parent than me.

It’s hard.

Having a blog, being a “popular” tweeter has opened me up to all of that and while I often love being able to engage folks in discourse about things, I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. I’ve met some amazing people because of this blog and Twitter, and I don’t regret that at all. But maybe it’s time to move on?

I recently finalized my divorce and that’s definitely gotten me to thinking about the next step, relationship-wise. I admit to remaining withdrawn during the process for my own healing purposes and such. But now, I’m like OK what now? And I realize that I’ve been judged and pegged specifically because of this blog and my tweets. I’ve had a few conversations with men and women on Twitter, off line, via email, text, and phone and such and the consensus is basically the same: I intimidate men.

A lot of women claim that. A lot of men reject that. In my case, though, it seems to be the same final analysis over and over again. Of course, the good-natured men that they are, they try to soften the blow by saying “Yeah, but you don’t want that kind of man any way” or “You deserve a man that can handle you”.

Well… duh!

That sounds great, but isn’t it about what people see/experience first. Ask any man whose been involved with me, in any way, I’m the sweetest pussy cat of a woman you can imagine. Have you read the “About” section of this blog?? LOL I stand by the values of this, the basis of this… it is 100% who I am. And yet, I seem to intimidate men. And I’m not playing victim here, because I get it. I totally get it. I’m 6’0 tall. Only 15% of the world’ s men are taller and despite men’s assertions that they’re ok with taller women, statistics say otherwise. I’m large. I weigh 242 lbs. That can be intimidating. I think I look ok physically, but I know I’m not the most beautiful woman on earth. I’m highly opinionated, a deep thinker, and rather blunt (I’m a New Yorker). I wear my heart on my sleeve and I find it hard to bite my tongue. I’m a feminist. That is scary as fuck to most men who have no real understanding what feminism is (and won’t acknowledge they’re feminists themselves, but I digress) and they assume that I’m a man-hating, man-dominating fem-dom who wants to take control over everything.

Couldn’t be any further from the truth. But if you know me, you know that…

So it’s all about first impressions, right? Apparently, my first impression, at least online, is one that discourages the average single male from wanting to do anything other than try me out sexually.

Married/Involved men love me, though. They offer me money, trips, gifts, help with bill payment, want to buy things for my son, etc. Via email. In writing. Luckily, I’m not the type to try and destroy homes, but man that’s risky isn’t it?LOL They are married to women who they claim aren’t fulfilling them in various ways and are seeking some type of healing externally… healing or distraction. My openness, my freedom, my willingness to help people then becomes translated as “Well if I have sex with you, I’ll feel better about my own situation”. I can’t help you by fucking you. I can’t heal you that way. They also think I’m some type of escort. I realize that a lot of sexually “open” women online tend to be, so I see why that assumption is made. I’m not an escort, by the way. Just for the record.

I admit that makes me feel cheap, sometimes. Or maybe not cheap, but just like… is this what that gets me? Asserting myself as a woman who loves sex, wants all women to  love sex, wants all men to appreciate women who love sex makes me out to be only good enough to be someone’s side chic? I can’t even lie and say I haven’t played the role and enjoyed it. I’m keeping it 100% here. A friend told me that my sexual openness scares men from pursuing me, legitimately… you know, as someone they might actually introduce to their mothers one day, despite men saying they want freaks in the bedroom. Isn’t that something? Another friend told me men don’t want women more sexually experience than they are. At least not for relationship purposes. Another friend was like “They assume you have a man”. (._. )

Sure, some guys try some things, but they usually don’t work out, almost always because our life circumstances are so vastly different, that closing the gap will be damned near impossible. Or, they mess things up and blame it on “not being ready for a woman like you”. So, basically, the same stuff as the others. I also fully acknowledge that as I get older, it becomes more difficult to find single men in my age range who are compatible with me in most ways. I realize that the exposure I get online is mostly to younger people so immaturity plays a huge role in the responses.

I can now say it is me. It’s not the me they take the time to get to know, because that me almost never gets an audition. It’s the me they judge on the surface, which is still very much me, just not all of me. I’m not interested in denying this side of me for the sake of luring someone in. It will come out at some point; I can’t fake the funk. I am aggressive in most areas in my life, and admit that the submissive kitten must be lured out of her cage. She is there though… waiting to purr.

But this side… this image… is inviting more negativity than I expected, from men and women alike. And… I’m done with that. I’m tired of being attacked for saying everything many people think but fear saying.

I don’t know what to do now and I won’t make any rash decisions. I just want people to stop trying to beat down my spirit because I represent something they themselves fear or resent or wish they could be.

XOXO,

FJ

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5 Responses to “What Now?”

  1. Natasha says:

    You are who you are.

    And that is a beautiful human being.

    I can’t imagine what the attacks feel like. And so if you want to stop blogging for that reason, I can’t fault you for that choice.

    But these whack ass men? Hell no. Any man who reads this blog or your TL and is intimidated isn’t worthy of you; he wouldn’t be able to deal with YOU in a relationship because (again) this blog is a part of you.

    I also have to wonder if some of the men you’ve spoken to about this are ashamed to admit it’s the weight loss that’s intimidating.

    I know this is a new space for you to occupy – you’ve completed this inspiring weight loss journey and now have to figure out where you fit in the dating spectrum. But my gut tells me this is the real root of the dilemma.

    Just know that this blog has helped numerous men and women, and for that, you should be applauded.

  2. I hope you don’t shut this space down, many months ago you wrote on a few topics that were really helpful to me and I think we need more Black women who are really to be open in their thoughts. Trust me a lot of what you tweet and write is what folks think but they don’t have the guts to put it out there. Stay strong.

  3. HelloOhio says:

    I, for one, hope that you do not let these empty-headed (as well as insecure) people chase you from doing what I believe you do best, and that is open adult lines of communication for serious (and sometimes not so serious) discussion. It is a shame that there are some individuals who are unable to articulate what they really feel or are trying to inquire about, but such is life. I also respect the fact that you do have feelings and NO ONE has the right to treat them as though they are unimportant. I hope that you’ll still use some outlet for putting your voice out there. There are those of us who want to hear it and value your opinion.

  4. Vaughn says:

    Wow. This was kind of what I suspected, and it all makes total sense. I think that those first impressions are incredibly important, more than most like to admit. I also think that once you find someone that does “get you” you’re going to have to beat them off with a stick. That would be awesome, because I like to see people happy.

  5. TellyLongLegs says:

    I’m going to be honest, I don’t know how hard it is to be in your shoes and deal with the crap that you do deal with but I can say that I really enjoy following you on twitter and I enjoy reading your blogs. Those hateful people that say those cruel things are doing that to break you, make you quit and/or damage you. I don’t know you personally but I know you’re stronger than that.

    Since this is your space to vent, why not make this blog private? I mean, you should be able to say how you feel, this is YOUR haven. YOUR corner. YOUR home. If this is your outlet, why not take control of it in a different way instead of dropping it altogether?

    Whatever you decide many of supporters (including me) will understand because at the end of the day, you have to do what’s right for you.

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