I’m at a crossroads.
I have poured many of my thoughts into this blog, my personal convictions and such. I offer strangers advice because I want to help them. I share my recipes because I love cooking and want to help those struggling in the kitchen. I weigh in on women’s issues because I’m a woman with strong opinions about things. I have unique views about what it means to be a woman, especially a woman in relationships and a woman having sex. I just wanted a platform to get my thoughts out.
However, with the increasing “popularity” of the blog and with the more followers I get on Twitter, I’m finding that I’m opening myself up to negativity that I don’t feel I should have to deal with. It is one thing for people to disagree with my thoughts and views. It is another for people to anonymously insult and attack me, on personal levels, because they don’t like me or what I have to say. This is supposed to be my outlet, the place where I can be myself and have my own little corner of the world, but… people have been consistently invading it, anonymously, taking issue with everything and it sucks.
I’m sensitive. I don’t try to act like the whole IDGAF movement of young, emotionally-disconnected folks who grew up without adequate parental love and guidance. I actually have feelings that I embrace and acknowledge. It’s hard when people call me a slut or a whore or a bitch or whatever derogatory phrase they want to come up with because they don’t like what I say or represent. It’s hard when people wish for bad things to happen to me because I make humorous posts about men with small dicks. I mean, I was just joking around. Damn! It’s hard when people threaten to fight me because they think their men are trying to fuck me on the low (yes, this has happened). It’s hard when people attack my friends or are shady towards them because they’re associated with me. It’s hard when my friends feel the burden of being associated with me because of what people say about me. It’s hard when people say I’m doing feminism a disservice or giving it a bad name. It’s hard when people call me ugly or try to insult my weight, or my weight loss, or any other part of my physical nature (which happens weekly, at least). It’s hard when people attack me as a mother and tell me my child deserves a better parent than me.
Having a blog, being a “popular” tweeter has opened me up to all of that and while I often love being able to engage folks in discourse about things, I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. I’ve met some amazing people because of this blog and Twitter, and I don’t regret that at all. But maybe it’s time to move on?
I recently finalized my divorce and that’s definitely gotten me to thinking about the next step, relationship-wise. I admit to remaining withdrawn during the process for my own healing purposes and such. But now, I’m like OK what now? And I realize that I’ve been judged and pegged specifically because of this blog and my tweets. I’ve had a few conversations with men and women on Twitter, off line, via email, text, and phone and such and the consensus is basically the same: I intimidate men.
A lot of women claim that. A lot of men reject that. In my case, though, it seems to be the same final analysis over and over again. Of course, the good-natured men that they are, they try to soften the blow by saying “Yeah, but you don’t want that kind of man any way” or “You deserve a man that can handle you”.
That sounds great, but isn’t it about what people see/experience first. Ask any man whose been involved with me, in any way, I’m the sweetest pussy cat of a woman you can imagine. Have you read the “About” section of this blog?? LOL I stand by the values of this, the basis of this… it is 100% who I am. And yet, I seem to intimidate men. And I’m not playing victim here, because I get it. I totally get it. I’m 6’0 tall. Only 15% of the world’ s men are taller and despite men’s assertions that they’re ok with taller women, statistics say otherwise. I’m large. I weigh 242 lbs. That can be intimidating. I think I look ok physically, but I know I’m not the most beautiful woman on earth. I’m highly opinionated, a deep thinker, and rather blunt (I’m a New Yorker). I wear my heart on my sleeve and I find it hard to bite my tongue. I’m a feminist. That is scary as fuck to most men who have no real understanding what feminism is (and won’t acknowledge they’re feminists themselves, but I digress) and they assume that I’m a man-hating, man-dominating fem-dom who wants to take control over everything.
Couldn’t be any further from the truth. But if you know me, you know that…
So it’s all about first impressions, right? Apparently, my first impression, at least online, is one that discourages the average single male from wanting to do anything other than try me out sexually.
Married/Involved men love me, though. They offer me money, trips, gifts, help with bill payment, want to buy things for my son, etc. Via email. In writing. Luckily, I’m not the type to try and destroy homes, but man that’s risky isn’t it?LOL They are married to women who they claim aren’t fulfilling them in various ways and are seeking some type of healing externally… healing or distraction. My openness, my freedom, my willingness to help people then becomes translated as “Well if I have sex with you, I’ll feel better about my own situation”. I can’t help you by fucking you. I can’t heal you that way. They also think I’m some type of escort. I realize that a lot of sexually “open” women online tend to be, so I see why that assumption is made. I’m not an escort, by the way. Just for the record.
I admit that makes me feel cheap, sometimes. Or maybe not cheap, but just like… is this what that gets me? Asserting myself as a woman who loves sex, wants all women to love sex, wants all men to appreciate women who love sex makes me out to be only good enough to be someone’s side chic? I can’t even lie and say I haven’t played the role and enjoyed it. I’m keeping it 100% here. A friend told me that my sexual openness scares men from pursuing me, legitimately… you know, as someone they might actually introduce to their mothers one day, despite men saying they want freaks in the bedroom. Isn’t that something? Another friend told me men don’t want women more sexually experience than they are. At least not for relationship purposes. Another friend was like “They assume you have a man”. (._. )
Sure, some guys try some things, but they usually don’t work out, almost always because our life circumstances are so vastly different, that closing the gap will be damned near impossible. Or, they mess things up and blame it on “not being ready for a woman like you”. So, basically, the same stuff as the others. I also fully acknowledge that as I get older, it becomes more difficult to find single men in my age range who are compatible with me in most ways. I realize that the exposure I get online is mostly to younger people so immaturity plays a huge role in the responses.
I can now say it is me. It’s not the me they take the time to get to know, because that me almost never gets an audition. It’s the me they judge on the surface, which is still very much me, just not all of me. I’m not interested in denying this side of me for the sake of luring someone in. It will come out at some point; I can’t fake the funk. I am aggressive in most areas in my life, and admit that the submissive kitten must be lured out of her cage. She is there though… waiting to purr.
But this side… this image… is inviting more negativity than I expected, from men and women alike. And… I’m done with that. I’m tired of being attacked for saying everything many people think but fear saying.
I don’t know what to do now and I won’t make any rash decisions. I just want people to stop trying to beat down my spirit because I represent something they themselves fear or resent or wish they could be.